NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Sales
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
    • Life Insurance
    • Pet Insurance
    • Renters Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • US

Banks Refuse to Take Porn Stars’ Money; Drug Lords OK

  • May 27, 2013
  • NewsLo
  • 2 comments
  • 2 minute read
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

BY THE SIDE OF A BACKYARD POOL SOMEWHERE IN SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, Calif. — Adult Film Star Chanel Preston today said that City National Bank in Los Angeles, often called the “bank to the stars”, refused to accept her legally-earned despoits due to “compliance issues.” When asked which compliance rules Preston was guilty of ignoring, a spokesman for the bank replied, “The bit where you don’t earn money by getting gangbanged by seven fraternity brothers at the same time. The same exact time. You have to see it to believe it.”

“I was very surprised when they wouldn’t take my money,” said the star of nearly 150 pornographic films. “Not surprised in the ‘Oh wow, it’s the pool boy, I should take off my clothes’ way, but pretty surprised.”

Preston’s experience is not unique, as many of the largest banks in the US and UK will not do business with the adult entertianment industry for moral reasons. “Let’s face it, when people say they are in the adult entertainment industry, they are either talking about having sex in front of cameras with things like pork products or large barnyard animals, or they are working the vaudeville circuit,” said FDIC spokesperson David Barr. “No bank wants anything to do with either of those professions. The have a reputation to uphold.”

Some have questioned why money earned through consensually-recorded sexual activity between barely-legal adults is considered untouchable when money illegally earned by foreign drug cartels and often used to fund terrorist activities against the United States is welcomed with open arms.

“Porn stars come in to the branch butt-naked with hundred dollar bills stuffed into … various places,” explained JPMorgan Chase & Company COO Matthew E. Zames.  “Meanwhile, when foreign drug cartels launder billions of dollars through our banks, at least they’re wearing clothing.

Zames claimed that despite being accused in 2003 of allowing $9 billion in wire transactions around the world for drug dealers; paying a $90 million settlement stemming from violating economic sanctions against Iran, Cuba, and other countries under U.S. embargo; and being cited this January for “critical deficiencies” in its anti-money-laundering policies, JP Morgan’s practices reflect whoesome, family values.

“Look, every family in America has arguments, fights, does laundry,” said Zames. “Why should we punish wealthy foreigners for doing the same thing but on a larger scale? At the same time, nobody in America ever has sex with a lamp post, so we don’t want to do business with anyone who has.”

For her part, Preston is taking her rejection from City National Bank in stride. “It’s a bummer, but I’m used to it. The only time bankers give me any respect is when they’re watching my films at 3:30 in morning while their prozac-addicted wife is asleep in the next room,” she said. “I’ll just continue to stuff my millions under my mattress. But it’s a very heavy mattress and I lift it all by myself. Would you mind coming into my bedroom and helping me stuff large wads into my tight spaces?”

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • Banks refuse doing business with porn stars
  • Chanel Preston
  • news humor
  • Porn Stars Money
  • Pornographic films
NewsLo

Previous Article
#NoNeedToSatirize: Peter King ‘offended’ Obama cited ‘moral reasons’ for new drone, Gitmo policy 1
  • NoNeedToSatirize
  • Politics

#NoNeedToSatirize: Peter King ‘offended’ Obama cited ‘moral reasons’ for new drone, Gitmo policy

  • May 26, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
Next Article
Drones Turn Against Obama, Seen Circling over White House 2
  • US

Drones Turn Against Obama, Seen Circling over White House

  • May 27, 2013
  • NewsLo
View Post
You May Also Like
best franchises to own
View Post
  • US

5 of the Most Lucrative & Best Franchises to Own in 2020

  • NewsLo
  • March 16, 2020
ted cruz religion refugees
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • US
  • US-Feature

Ted Cruz News: “Helping Texans Is Not Like Helping New Orleans, Hurricane Sandy Was Righteous”

  • NewsLo
  • August 28, 2017
rand paul news
View Post
  • Featured
  • US
  • US-Feature

Rand Paul: “We Don’t Care If Trump Is Found Guilty Of Cheating During Election, He Legally Has The Power To Pardon Himself”

  • NewsLo
  • July 25, 2017
ken ham tax
View Post
  • Featured
  • US
  • US-Feature

Ken Ham: “God Owns All Of Earth And Everything On It Anyway, So Why Should He Pay Tax To Himself? It’s Pointless”

  • NewsLo
  • July 23, 2017
Trump: “Pastor Robertson Is A White Humanity Lover And The Fact That He’s Not Allowed To Say That About Me Is A Violation Of Religious Rights Freedom” 3
View Post
  • Featured
  • Religion
  • US
  • US-Feature

Trump: “Pastor Robertson Is A White Humanity Lover And The Fact That He’s Not Allowed To Say That About Me Is A Violation Of Religious Rights Freedom”

  • NewsLo
  • July 14, 2017
Trump Compares Ivanka To Syrian Children: “She’s Also Suffered A Lot As My Daughter, Had To Move Between Countries All The Time Just Like Them” 4
View Post
  • US
  • Latest Lies
  • Today's Headlines
  • US-Feature

Trump Compares Ivanka To Syrian Children: “She’s Also Suffered A Lot As My Daughter, Had To Move Between Countries All The Time Just Like Them”

  • NewsLo
  • July 9, 2017
allan parker
View Post
  • Featured
  • US
  • US-Feature

Allan Parker: “God Intervened And Prevented Trump’s Mother From Having An Abortion So He Would Become President And Put A Stop To It”

  • NewsLo
  • July 8, 2017
C-SPAN Caller Calls To Outlaw Single Moms Because They Are “Taking Us Back To Caveman Age When Men Just Bred Women” 5
View Post
  • Featured
  • Health
  • US
  • US-Feature

C-SPAN Caller Calls To Outlaw Single Moms Because They Are “Taking Us Back To Caveman Age When Men Just Bred Women”

  • NewsLo
  • July 5, 2017
2 comments
  1. Arnie Kappeler says:
    May 27, 2013 at 11:35 am

    She should buy her way onto one legitimate film, get the credit onto IMDB, and come back – and then tell them she isn’t going to put her money in their bank and shout “So, in your face” on the way out the door.

    Or, am I overthinking this?

    Log in to Reply
    1. Newsmakeup says:
      May 27, 2013 at 3:30 pm

      It all depends Arnie!

      Log in to Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.