Basketball Loses Game 7

MIAMI – Fans and commentators agree that, after a ho-hum season but a thrillingly exciting Finals series, basketball lost in Miami on Thursday. It’ll be back next season, of course, but last night basketball totally couldn’t seal the deal.

“It’s not that I like the Spurs, I don’t,” said Per Hutterson, 32, of Minneapolis, “but when the highest paid, most self-loving team in the NBA gets itself a ‘Heat-peat,’ it leaves a bad taste in your mouth, like burned Cuban food.”

After raising the world’s eyebrows by going up two games to one, and then again three games to two, the San Antonio Spurs finally succumbed to a tidal wave of superstar talent and home-court advantage from Miami. They, and the sport they play, lost 95-88.

“Yeah, wow, I wonder how they did it,” said ESPN’s Michael Wilbon. “I guess all you need is some minor players like LeBron James, Chris Bosh, Ray Allen, Shane Battier, Dwayne Wade and that creepy white guy with all the tattoos. With a team like that, apparently you win.”

The good news is all of America can rally together and root against the hat trick.