NEW YORK – Yesterday, while President Barack Obama was announcing in the Rose Garden that over seven million Americans had enrolled in Obamacare ahead of the March 31st cutoff—a number that apparently surpassed the administration’s initial goals—I was sitting in the back of my limo, watching the speech on my iPhone, and wishing Koko, my driver, would get a move on, because I was already late for my massage. But even my aching thighs couldn’t distract me from the real story, which is that, if these numbers are true, the American people just fell for the biggest April Fools’ joke in history. Yes, patriots—seven million people have been tricked into socialism by Comrade Barack and his cohorts, and the real terror is yet to come.
As I’ve already explained, Obamacare is part of the socialist-communist vision for America that Barack dreamt up back in Kenya, while he was smoking joints and worshiping a statue of Lenin stashed in his father’s closet. Of course, he can’t come right out and say that. Instead, he built this elaborate ruse, this distracting story about “health” and “insurance” and “not dying painfully from a treatable disease just because you’re poor.” Ridiculous, you might say—and you’d be right, except for millions of Americans have apparently swallowed it… hook, line and sinking deductible.
I’m not sure how they did it—I can’t say whether it was MSNBC’s mind-controlling gamma rays, or if people just really trust Zach Galifianakis, but somehow Team Obama has convinced huge swaths of the American public that they should selfishly protect their own health, rather than acknowledging that in America, if you can’t pay for a medical procedure, you should proudly die for it, knowing at least your country is living in Freedom.
The scariest part: If people will believe that, they’ll believe anything.
You might ask: What’s next? Socialist concentration camps? Martial law? Expanded Medicaid benefits? The answer is much worse than you thought: All of the above! Right now! Run!
But really… It’s times like these that we have to reflect back on other, equally darks periods of our history—like, just off the top of my head, the assassinations of presidents Lincoln and Kennedy, say. If we would all sit down and read a book or two about those tragic events, maybe we’d take comfort knowing that we’ve been through times of violence and mayhem before, and we still have a chance to overcome the Communist nightmare that Obama has duped us into accepting.
It’s a tough road ahead of us—there will be oppression and further mind control, plus more colonoscopies that we ever thought possible. But remember what Jesus said: Your body is a temple, and government intrusion into the health insurance marketplace angers and offends the Lord.
(Author’s note: Jesus was also assassinated, and there is probably at least one good book about it available at your local Barnes & Noble—check on the Bestsellers wall).