SYDNEY, Australia — Almost a year to the day since announcing his ambitions to rebuild the ill-fated RMS Titanic, Australian billionaire Clive Palmer has unveiled the blueprints for the star-crossed Titanic II.
“You can see that Titanic II will be exactly like the boat from the movie in every way,” says Palmer. “Actually, these are just the blueprints for the original Titanic, but I added ‘II’ at the top. We’ll probably have TVs in the rooms too.”
“Just like the movie,” he added, “we’ll start in Southampton and our first class passengers will eat caviar, talk about stock futures, hunt the most dangerous game – you know, usual stuff. The chimney sweeps, street urchins, and waifs who cannot afford first class tickets will be relegated to steerage class, packed into too-tight, rat-infested compartments below.”
Palmer remains steadfast in his plans despite derision from New York Magazine film critic David Edelstein, who asked rhetorically, “When will we get over our remake madness?”
While critics such as Edelstein have said, retrospectively, that the first Titanic was not that great, Palmer shrugs this off. “It’s an unsinkable idea.”
“This boat will be the ultimate experience for fans of the movie and the caste system. James Cameron is even going to consult.”
“I wasn’t going to do it at first,” said Cameron, who won Best Picture and Director Oscars for the film. “I hate sequels, but then I saw all the money and began to see the potential of a Titanic II. I’ve even suggested we make it a trilogy. “Fans eat that shit up,” he added.
In a display of hubris not seen since Donald Trump’s presidential bid, Palmer has one-upped Cameron and said he would like to see Titanic III, IV, and V.
“Picture this: We take off, there’s dancing, music, people painting nudes, and then “Bam,” we hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic. Oh no! There aren’t enough lifeboats!” Palmer said excitedly at the press conference.
“The ship starts to sink, we place the first class passengers in helicopters and hover low so enough so they can watch as the hull splits in two and the peasants start to drown. It’s Titanic in 3D! It’s ultra 3D! It is the human experience!”
Fans of the movie crashed the Titanic II website over the weekend as pre-sales began for “Sardine Class” tickets aboard the 2016 maiden voyage.