Bitcoin Phenomenon Sweeps Nation, Frightens Old Men in Washington

WASHINGTON — Following the recent Cypriot banking system meltdown and amid concerns overthe stability of the Euro, a new debate has arisen over the use of electronic currencies, in lieu of government-issued paper money, here in the United States.

One such debate has centered around the increased usage of Bitcoins, an untraceable electronic currency far less prone to inflation than fiat currency which is used by an increasing number of people globally.

“The American dollar is more dependable than it’s ever been,” said Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke in reference to the usage of Bitcoins. “Electronic currencies will never be a viable alternative to hard cash, and will remain in the realm of the Warcraft World and the Duty Calls video games and that sort of thing.”

“In theory, yes, you cannot have inflation with a currency that doesn’t actually exist,” Bernanke continued. “But what about the smell of a freshly printed dollar? The taste of a twenty-dollar bill? The crisp colors of the new hundred? You can’t ignore tradition, folks. Bitcoins are bound to fail.”

An almost unknown currency that seemingly rose out of nowhere, Bitcoins are quickly becoming a widely accepted form for trading and purchasing goods on the Internet. Merchants of high-end goods and services are now accepting Bitcoins. With a limited number of Bitcoins available for purchase, however, some fear the currency may devalue.

Others are trying to use the currency for entrepreneurial means. “I’m selling my house for 800,000 Bitcoins,” said Robert Lang, a local Riverdale man. “I figure this way: I can make a healthy profit, and buy some stupid crap off Etsy real easily. I wouldn’t have to worry about not getting the wholesale price. I could use that money for pizza!”

“It’s a great form of currency that does away with the hassle of exchange counters and that sort of thing,” said Mahad al-Zawair, a member of the Syrian National Collation while camping out in a foxhole outside of a war-torn Aleppo. “Just the other day, I had a huge order of rifles and tanks go out, and the Russi-I mean, the buyer was more than happy to accept Bitcoins for payment. It’s so easy to use.”

“It’s unwise, and you’re going to start seeing people horde these ‘Bitcoins,’ as you call them, at home just like any other hoarder would with normal currency,” said Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan. “You’ll see it happening in their digital homes on Second Life, in their e-checking accounts, inside mattresses programmed into their Sims games. It’s preposterous.”

“I think it’s pretty cool,” said Joseph Adamo, a purveyor of narcotics on Dyre Avenue in the Bronx. “You wouldn’t think that a crackhead’d be able to wire that kind of thing over. But man, they get it done!”

When questioned about the Bitcoin phenomenon, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew hid under his desk, and began whispering “end times. End times are here.”