Handcuffed Black Man Shot Himself in Heart Thanks to ‘Remarkable Flexibility’ of Black Men

NEW IBERIA, Louisiana – A coroner’s report obtained by NBC News claims that a 22-year-old black man shot himself in the chest while his hands were handcuffed behind his back. The man, Victor White, died sitting in the back of a police car while under arrest for possession of small amounts of marijuana and cocaine.

When asked to explain how a man with his hands handcuffed behind his back could shoot himself in the chest, the coroner, Dr. Carl Ditch, claimed is was due to the “remarkable flexibility” of black men.

“In my years of experience, I have come to learn that the African-American male is capable of many feats of physicality that would seem impossible at first glance,” explained Dr. Ditch. “The muscles in their bodies are not as tightly attached to their bones as they are in caucasian males, and this allows them to bend and twist in truly astounding ways as anyone who has seen one of the Step Up movies can attest. It is unfortunate that Mr. White used this genetic advantage to take his own life.”

Dr. Ditch’s report actually contradicts the original police report, which stated that on March 3rd, Mr. White shot himself in the back. He explained away the discrepancy as “a minor detail” since the cause of death in both reports is listed as suicide. “I assume the officers simply thought no one would believe them if they told the truth about having witnessed Mr. White’s amazing feat of flexibility,” he said. “Can you really blame them?”

The case still raises many questions, such as why did White still have a gun in his possession after having gone through two body searches, why has the gun he used to shoot himself not been found, and why didn’t Dr. Ditch find gunpowder stippling (commonly left behind from close-range shots such as White’s around-the-back blast would have been) near the wound?

Dr. Ditch, however, believes the matter closed. “With the amazing flexibility all black men possess, this was bound to happen eventually,” he said. “Frankly, I’m surprised it doesn’t happen more often.”

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