Blogs

Newslo, The Best Thing Since News, Political Satire and Humor. The website hosts satirical blogs and recurring segments, including the “Weekly Fast Forward,” which reveals news stories a week before they even happen; personal entries by Iranian President Ahmadinejad; and a real advice column managed by a totally imaginary, very egocentric person.

Congressman Retires, Thanks Constituents for Free Money-
Dear Constituents,
I am writing to you today not as a politician, not as an elected representative, not as a public figure, but as your neighbor, friend, and co-worker.

As we all know, the government is really starting to crack down on insider trading within Congress, so there is really no point of me being a congressman anymore. It is actually much easier for me to just collect my pension and receive trading secrets from my friends still in Congress. That is why today I announce my retirement. Thank you for all the loopholes to which you turned a blind eye, for your short-term memory, for your undying indifference to issues that really matter, and most importantly, your dolla dolla bills yo.

Sanctions With Ahmadinejad: A New York Minute- NEW YORK — Well, all in all I would say that was a successful trip. One never knows what to expect from a jaunt to New York City, the land of hot dogs, homelessness, and homosexuals –

Forgive me. My advisor is whispering into my ear, telling me that the gaunt figure in the potato sack-looking garb was not a homeless person but something called an “Olsen twin.” I will never understand this country.

Nonetheless, my visit to the United Nations was a triumph. If anyone tells you differently, don’t bother to listen. I am telling you it was a triumph and I will not be questioned. In terms of my political agenda, I accomplished all of my goals in the Big Apple. I deflected questions about my awesome arsenal of nukes, I called for a “new world order” free of oppressive, bullying empires (to make room for Iran, of course). Even better, I received a text message from Anna Wintour saying she is finally beginning to understand the tieless look. Most importantly, whatever insanities and inanities I may have uttered before the General Assembly were overshadowed by alleged BDSM fanatic (I cannot reveal my sources) Benny Netanyahu. The ignorant cretin takes his bomb diagrams from Nintendo 64′s SuperMario, which we just received in Iran — in time for the holiday season, thankfully!