NEW YORK — As his administration draws to a close, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg has announced a program that will institute food waste recycling – partially because the material could be converted to bio-gas and become a revenue stream for the city, but mostly “for the sake of inconveniencing New Yorkers one last time.”
“I figured that, just for the hell of it, I will enact one last policy that will force the common people to alter their day-to-day routine,” said Bloomberg at a City Hall press conference. “Surely by now,” the mayor continued, “after the bans on smoking in bars, trans fats, a proposed ban on large sodas thrown out by a judge, the creation of pedestrian plazas and more bike lanes to go along with the Citi Bike share program, city residents are used to my shtick.
“And unlike stop and frisk,” he added, “this will not apply predominantly to blacks and Hispanics, but to all New Yorkers.”
The citywide initiative came about during a staff meeting recently at City Hall, according to Deputy Mayor Shea Fink. “The composting pilot program on Staten Island came up in a staff meeting,” said Fink. “We had all these charts showing how if just 3,500 homes kept over seven tons of waste out of garbage dumps, it could be used to make electricity.” Bloomberg seemed disinterested until someone explained what composting entailed. “He really perked up and asked, ‘You mean people have to sort through their own food garbage? With their hands?’ And like that, a citywide program was born.”
The project is likely to cement Bloomberg’s legacy with New Yorkers. “Great,” said Danny O’Rourke of Marine Park, Brooklyn. “Now every time I throw out some chicken wing bones, I’m going to hear his nasally voice telling me that it’s not the socially responsible thing to do. Sure, city policy has helped me to stop smoking and exercise more, but it’s like having a Jewish Jiminy Cricket living in your head.”
Upon hearing news of the composting initiative, New York Post Editor-in-Chief Col Allen reportedly clutched his pearls and fainted on a divan.