Bloomberg Asks for Creation of “Nanny-In-Chief” Cabinet Position, Nominates Self

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has petitioned President Obama to create a new cabinet position that he calls “Nanny-in-Chief.” The new office would be responsible for helping Americans make good decisions, namely by punishing and fining them if they make the wrong ones. Bloomberg told reporters that he wishes to fill the seat himself.

“I’m rich, I’m a pretty healthy 70 year-old, and I’m the Mayor of New York City,” he said. “I think I know how people should be living their lives.”

Bloomberg has drawn criticism lately for his policies in New York City, where he has succeeded in banning trans fats, smoking in public parks, and soda bottles larger than 16 ounces. Though public health experts have expressed support for the new policies, many New Yorkers feel that Bloomberg has taken to micromanaging his constituents’ lives.

A recent memo leaked from within the city government pointed toward more extreme measures to correct “an excess of teenagers, fast food, and happiness on the streets of New York.” New police tactics focus on getting people off the streets and signify a broader shift from helping New Yorkers make healthy decisions to fighting against fun outright.

“We see kids playing in the street, people eating ice cream in the park – it just makes us sick,” said an anonymous source from within the police department. “French fries, cheeseburgers, milkshakes, teenagers drinking beer, the television series ‘Friends,’ ecstasy, kids snorting Adderall, video games, the very concept of basketball as a sport –it’s all just more fun than people should be having.”

If nominated to Obama’s cabinet, Bloomberg plans to continue expanding on these policies. The first step will be a doubling of size and funding for the MPAA, Hollywood’s ratings institution, followed by the formation of a new undercover police corps. Stationed in Washington D.C., the corps’ officers will pose as teenagers on Facebook and befriend local youths, gaining access to photographic evidence of underage drinking that will then be sent to their parents.

Though the White House has not yet commented on Bloomberg’s request, many believe that the mayor is the obvious choice should the new cabinet position be created.