NEW YORK — Commuters along the Verrazzano-Narrows bridge yesterday morning were shocked to find NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg dangling below from a bungee-cord, duct-taping bricks of dynamite to the pilings in an attempt to sever the only physical tie Staten Island has to New York City.
“I’m blowin’ this shit up!” the mayor called out to the throng of witnesses gathered above, who were thrilled with news.
The mayor, who wore a tank-top camouflage shirt and gripped a knife between his teeth, looked right out of a Hollywood movie as he rappelled from post to post planting the explosives. The explosives have not yet been detonated, but the mayor is already receiving widespread support from residents of New York’s other four boroughs.
“He was like Tarzan swinging through the jungle,” said Brooklyn mechanic Sal Wexler. “It was badass. Then I found out he was destroying the bridge, and I was like wow, that’s super badass.”
Bloomberg’s escapade illustrates the throbbing contempt many NYC residents feel towards Staten Island, which is dull, full of trees, and really ought to belong in New Jersey. The mayor has been bluntly vocal about his thoughts on the borough, calling the Island God-awful, embarrassing, and filled with too many guidos.
“My actions yesterday were not politically motivated,” Bloomberg told Newslo in a statement. “I just fucking hate that place.”
Staten Island, the least populated of all the five boroughs, receives over 10 million unique tourists annually from all over the world, all of whom immediately leave on the next Manhattan-bound ferry. With its open spaces, affordable housing, and lack of public transportation, many believe Staten Island really has no business calling itself part of New York City.
“Before I retire as mayor – which I can assure you will never happen – I promise the people of the great city that Staten Islanders will no longer be able to able to call themselves New Yorkers.”
Bloomberg has been frequently accused of over-stepping his boundaries as mayor, including his recent smoking bans, soda bans, and reports that he has personally held mothers at gun-point while demanding they breast feed their children.
Many are thankful, however, that the mayor is finally taking action against the bridge and the outrageous $18 toll to get across.
“That bridge is an eye-sore,” said Bath Beach retiree Ethel Pfizer. “You should pay me $18 to go over there.”
In related news, the U.S. Air Force has received numerous calls from the mayor’s office detailing plans for a drone strike on the Staten Island ferry, as well the Hudson River ferry connecting NYC to Hoboken.
