NEW YORK — The murder rate in New York City plunged 18% in 2012, its lowest level in nearly fifty years, a feat that Mayor Mike Bloomberg attributes to his so-called “Nanny State Initiatives,” most notably the smoking ban in public parks and prominently displayed calorie counts in fast food restaurants.
“The sad cycle of people killing one another out of fits of hypertension and being strung out from second hand smoke has finally been broken” said Bloomberg at a City Hall press conference. “Greasy, high sodium fast food and nicotine inhalation may have long term negative health implications, but they no longer goad the people of New York into committing cold-blooded murder ”
In addition to a city less on edge, other unexpected benefits of the molly-coddling legislation has been the nimbleness and agility of the general public, often allowing potential victims to outrun their would-be attackers. Pulled hamstrings, however, are up 21% for the year.
Police Commissioner Ray Kelly sang the mayor’s praises. “Sure we have the largest, most professional police force known to man, and possess all the cutting edge tools in crime prevention and detection, but it’s clear that an unenforced smoking ban in public parks and beaches, and knowing how many calories are in a Big Mac before you order, are what has made this city the safest it’s been in decades.”
“That and stopping and frisking people at random on the street” he added. “And by ‘people’ I mean ‘minorities.’”
Bloomberg stated that for his final year in office, he plans to ensure that the denizens of the “City That Never Sleeps” commit fewer felonious acts out of over-tiredness by instituting a citywide 10 P.M. bedtime.