Bloomberg, LaPierre to Settle Differences via 18th Century-Style Duel

NEW YORK — New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg and NRA executive vice president Wayne LaPierre will settle their long-standing dispute over the government’s right to regulate the possession of firearms in an 18th century-style duel scheduled for high noon this Saturday. Mayor Bloomberg said he believes the duel is necessary because “this issue will only be resolved when one of us is dead.”

The duel, slated to take place in New York’s Central Park, will follow the set of rules known as “code duello,” which ensure the duelists are armed with proper weapons, conduct themselves civilly, and that witnesses are present. “This is going to be a classy duel,” said Mr. LaPierre’s chosen “second,” actor and director Clint Eastwood. “If we lose, we’ll respect the outcome—but I’m not worried. Chief of the NRA, or a softy, liberal midget from Manhattan—I’m betting on the former. We’re going to make his day.”

If the loser is killed, some forms of code duello allow the victor to desecrate his opponent’s body in any way he chooses. “I don’t want to give too much away,” Mr. Eastwood said, “but if we win, let’s just say Bloomberg is getting pumped full of about five extra-large Mountain Dews.”

Recently, Mayor Bloomberg—a vocal proponent of restrictions on firearms—announced that he would spend $12 million of his own money to buy television ads pressuring members of the United States Senate to vote in favor of gun control legislation. Mr. LaPierre, speaking on behalf of the NRA—the most influential gun-rights advocacy group in the country, which spends millions on congressional lobbying each year—said Mr. Bloomberg’s plan is “reckless” and accused the NY mayor of trying to “buy America.”

In recent days, the feud has become even more vitriolic, with Bloomberg and LaPierre publicly referring to each other as a “communist pig-fondler” and a “redneck ass clown,” respectively. Finally, on Monday, Mr. LaPierre challenged Mr. Bloomberg to a duel, which the New Yorker quickly accepted.

“Michael recognizes the irony of settling a dispute over gun control by opening fire on Mr. LaPierre in the middle of crowded Central Park,” said an aide to Mr. Bloomberg. “But that guy (LaPierre) is such a turd.”

Dueling has been illegal in most parts of the country for over a century, but authorities say they will allow the confrontation to take place unimpeded. “Technically, yes, this is illegal,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Justice. “But we can’t bring ourselves to intervene. The chance to watch these two idiots shooting a couple of flintlock pistols at each other is just too fucking good.”