Bloomberg Vows to Support Independent Drug Dealers

NEW YORK — On his weekly WOR Radio show Friday, Mayor Bloomberg outlined his belief that marijuana legalization would harm independent drug dealers living and working in New York City, calling them “humble, unappreciated lawbreakers” and “the lifeblood of the Big Apple.”

While he was in favor of reducing the arraignment of people charged with low-level possession, Bloomberg stated that, “If marijuana was sold legally and at a reduced cost to consumers, private dealers who make their living dishonestly and illegally would be unable to compete, and would have to move on to selling cocaine and harder drugs.”

Brooklyn-based marijuana dealer Dontae Strong believes that Bloomberg is actually underestimating the impact legalization would have on the trade. “With weed legalized, there would be no reason for an increased demand in hard drugs, so selling those drugs wouldn’t be business-savvy,” said Strong. “Fewer dealers could support themselves, leading to a general decrease in drug-related crime. So props for looking out for us, man.”

Strong added that the appeal of smoking marijuana is not in doing something illegal for its own sake. “If anything, it would make more sense for us to start selling bootleg DVDs than coke,” the dealer said. “Y’all know some high motherfuckers want to see Wreck-It Ralph.”

Bloomberg also cited the increased potency of modern strains of marijuana to support his opposition to legalization, which would necessarily entail governmental regulations on the strength of marijuana.

“As everyone knows, I strongly believe that governmental regulation only hurts small, independent businesses,” said the mayor, who has imposed a ban on the sale of large soda sizes, “and the same is true for small, independent businesses that are not businesses at all, but cliques of criminals