Boston College Restricts Condoms, Students Retaliate with Mass Orgy

BOSTON, Mass. — Following a series of letters and threats from Boston College to its student body concerning the usage and distribution of condoms and other prophylactics, a number of students have begun organizing what experts around the country are anticipating will be the “largest orgy in human history.”

“We feel this is the only way to make our point known to the Dean and the rest of the administration,” said Jacquelyn Brown, a former BC Residential Living Officer. “If they want us to stop using condoms and birth control and everything else, then by God, they’re going to see us not using them.”

What started out as a joke has caught traction at Boston College, and has even started spilling out into the Boston metropolitan area. At last count, the mass orgy’s Facebook page has nearly sixty thousand people marked as “attending.” The page’s instructions are simple: “come hungry, come horny, come naked!”

“I haven’t been on a college campus since 1976,” said 58-year-old Boston native Nicholas Pisano, who found the event on Facebook via a Google quest for naked collegiate-age women for sexual recreational purposes. “These kids today really know how to party. Plus, they’re really hot! Oh yeah!”

“As a Jesuit institution, condoms and other such devices have no place on this campus,” said Jack Dunn, a spokesman for Boston College. “As a private institution, we reserve the right to punish our students for conduct we deem unfit.” Condoms are immoral and wrong,” Dunn added.

“Kids and teens are going to have sex,” Dunn continued. “That’s inevitable, and we understand that. However, we really can’t punish them for going ahead and having an orgiastic bacchanal in the Quad. I mean, come on, that had to be in the Bible at least a dozen times. But as for this being the ‘largest orgy in mankind’s history,’ we still have a ways to go before we can beat Congress’ record.”

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has repeatedly issued statements touting condoms’ many public-health benefits, and statistics published by the CDC state that sexually-transmitted diseases have a significantly lower chance of afflicting an individual if proper sexual safety guidelines are adhered to.

“There’s, ah, not much we can do to, ah, stop them,” said Sergeant Ryan Chappell of the Boston Police Department, in a statement.“Freedom’ah speech an’ all that jazz, protest cha rights or whatevah.”

The American Civil Liberties Union will be monitoring the orgy to ensure the protest goes smoothly. The organization will serve fruit punch to attendees and hand out free samples of lubricant near the front of Boston College’s Gasson Hall, where the orgy will commence.