Boston Glad to Hate Just New York Again

BOSTON — After a harrowing week of explosions, manhunts, shootouts, and lockdowns, Bostonians are breathing a sigh of relief and turning their attention back to their usual target of hatred: New York City.

“For a while there it was hard to focus my anger on both the bombers and New Yorkers, so I’m glad I can go back to concentrating on just hating that city,” said Bedford local Tom Noonan, adding that the bombings had been a “real distraction” from his everyday disgust towards the Big Apple.

New York and Boston had put their rivalry on hold following the tragedy, with New York landmarks posting messages of support for Beantown, but now that authorities have the surviving suspect in custody, both cities are preparing to pick up where they left off.

Although the Yankees and their fans had sung the Red Sox anthem “Sweet Caroline” in solidarity with Boston during the détente, the team has now promised to hand out mouthwash at every game for the rest of the season to make up for it, while “Screw New Yawk, New Yawk” signs were going back on display at TD Garden and Fenway Park.

The renewed animosity between the cities was reflected in City Hall, too, when Boston Mayor Thomas Menino noted at a press conference that they appreciated the support they had received from across the world, adding: “I guess that’s to be expected given that everyone actually likes us, unlike a town whose name I forget, which is filled with arrogant assholes.” He then raised his fist to his mouth and coughed the words “New York.”

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, meanwhile, noted that he was glad the suspects had finally been caught. “Primarily so the Knicks don’t feel the need to take it easy on the Celtics,”he explained.

This is the second time in a year that the cities have had to suppress their usual levels of enmity, after Boston showed support for New York following Hurricane Sandy. Sharon MacNally of Brookline, MA reflected that their usual level of hatred towards NYC took a “good few months” to get back to pre-Sandy levels, but she was confident that New Yorkers “are such pricks that they probably only waited all of five minutes before getting back to their normal level of assholeness. They’re some wicked pricks.”