Both Candidates Still Vying for Game-Changing Endorsements

With the 2012 presidential election merely two weeks away, both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have received a rapid influx of potentially game-changing endorsements, including:

Todd Akin for Mitt Romney
Political pundits were skeptical of how beneficial Missouri representative Todd Akin’s endorsement would be for Mitt Romney, given the recent controversy surrounding his claims about the rarity and consequences of “legitimate rape.” Akin was quick to counter that he has already bounced back from those statements, as evidenced by his lead in Missouri congressional polls, saying, “If I can come back from that, then Mitt can come back from demeaning half the country. I’m as confident about that as I am about the mechanics of the female anatomy.” Furthermore, he attributed his own chauvinist image to “an epidemic of female hysteria, which can easily be remedied – if I understand correctly – with digital stimulation of the cloaca, administered by your physician or state representative.”

Joe Biden for Barack Obama
“I was pretty on the fence there for a while, you know, with the economy in the shitter and all that,” said the Vice President in a recent press statement. “But I figured: what the hell, you know? I’ve worked with Barack before, and – oh, a little horsey sauce on my tie there – and he’s a good dude. I’ll give him a shot.” Added the Vice President, “I mean, I don’t really care.” Biden then yielded his time to questions from media representatives, which he repeatedly interrupted with fits of giggling and outcries of “You gotta be kiddin’ me” and “Holy mackerel!” At the conclusion of the press meeting, Biden thrust both of his middle fingers in the air and shouted, “Love, peace, and chicken grease, bitches!” before walking off the stage, wearing nothing but boxers from the waist down.

Tagg Romney for Mitt Romney
Combating allegations that Mitt Romney’s oldest son would logically endorse his father, whose campaign employs him as an adviser, Tagg Romney defensively argued, “It’s less about that and more about Obama’s punchable face.” Regarding the President of the United States, he continued, “I would love to sock him good, but he’s got all this armed security detail, like a pansy.” After briefly wondering aloud whether it is illegal or merely cringe-inducingly tactless to describe the leader of the free world in such a threatening manner, Tagg declared, “I mean, gosh, if there were some kind of giant, fire-breathing Grendel that could dispatch the Secret Service and just pummel Obama’s face with fists of otherworldly force, I would endorse him in a heartbeat.”

The Satanic Order of Transgendered Socialists for Barack Obama
“When the Bush tax cuts expire next year, Republicans in Congress will have something on the line,” whispered Sammy Serpentine, the Archbishop and Listener of the Satanic Order of Transgendered Socialists, “and Obama will finally have the leverage needed to forcibly convert American citizens to socialism and the opposite sex.” His face obscured by a heavy black cloak, one could hardly make out Sammy’s wagging tongue. “This is the first time I truly feel that Satan is in the White House,” he concluded, before using black magic to vanish in a cloud of sulfur, leaving behind only a pentagram of green fire.