NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Sales
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
    • Life Insurance
    • Pet Insurance
    • Renters Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • Politics

Both Candidates Still Vying for Game-Changing Endorsements

  • October 22, 2012
  • NewsLo
  • No comments
  • 3 minute read
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

With the 2012 presidential election merely two weeks away, both Mitt Romney and Barack Obama have received a rapid influx of potentially game-changing endorsements, including:

Todd Akin for Mitt Romney
Political pundits were skeptical of how beneficial Missouri representative Todd Akin’s endorsement would be for Mitt Romney, given the recent controversy surrounding his claims about the rarity and consequences of “legitimate rape.” Akin was quick to counter that he has already bounced back from those statements, as evidenced by his lead in Missouri congressional polls, saying, “If I can come back from that, then Mitt can come back from demeaning half the country. I’m as confident about that as I am about the mechanics of the female anatomy.” Furthermore, he attributed his own chauvinist image to “an epidemic of female hysteria, which can easily be remedied – if I understand correctly – with digital stimulation of the cloaca, administered by your physician or state representative.”

Joe Biden for Barack Obama
“I was pretty on the fence there for a while, you know, with the economy in the shitter and all that,” said the Vice President in a recent press statement. “But I figured: what the hell, you know? I’ve worked with Barack before, and – oh, a little horsey sauce on my tie there – and he’s a good dude. I’ll give him a shot.” Added the Vice President, “I mean, I don’t really care.” Biden then yielded his time to questions from media representatives, which he repeatedly interrupted with fits of giggling and outcries of “You gotta be kiddin’ me” and “Holy mackerel!” At the conclusion of the press meeting, Biden thrust both of his middle fingers in the air and shouted, “Love, peace, and chicken grease, bitches!” before walking off the stage, wearing nothing but boxers from the waist down.

Tagg Romney for Mitt Romney
Combating allegations that Mitt Romney’s oldest son would logically endorse his father, whose campaign employs him as an adviser, Tagg Romney defensively argued, “It’s less about that and more about Obama’s punchable face.” Regarding the President of the United States, he continued, “I would love to sock him good, but he’s got all this armed security detail, like a pansy.” After briefly wondering aloud whether it is illegal or merely cringe-inducingly tactless to describe the leader of the free world in such a threatening manner, Tagg declared, “I mean, gosh, if there were some kind of giant, fire-breathing Grendel that could dispatch the Secret Service and just pummel Obama’s face with fists of otherworldly force, I would endorse him in a heartbeat.”

The Satanic Order of Transgendered Socialists for Barack Obama
“When the Bush tax cuts expire next year, Republicans in Congress will have something on the line,” whispered Sammy Serpentine, the Archbishop and Listener of the Satanic Order of Transgendered Socialists, “and Obama will finally have the leverage needed to forcibly convert American citizens to socialism and the opposite sex.” His face obscured by a heavy black cloak, one could hardly make out Sammy’s wagging tongue. “This is the first time I truly feel that Satan is in the White House,” he concluded, before using black magic to vanish in a cloud of sulfur, leaving behind only a pentagram of green fire.

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • Akin was quick to counter
  • Barack Obama
  • epidemic of female hysteria
  • female hysteria
  • Joe Biden
  • Legitimate rape
  • mechanics of the female anatomy
  • Mitt Romney
  • Newslo satire
  • Satanic Order
  • socialists
  • Tagg Romney
  • Todd Akin
  • transgendered
NewsLo

Previous Article
Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens 1
  • Blogs

Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens

  • October 22, 2012
  • NewsLo
View Post
Next Article
Sexy NYT Best Sellers Save Parents from Having to Give “The Talk” 2
  • Media

Sexy NYT Best Sellers Save Parents from Having to Give “The Talk”

  • October 22, 2012
  • NewsLo
View Post
You May Also Like
fun safety meeting ideas
View Post
  • Politics

Best 4 Fun Safety Meeting Ideas to Engage Everyone on Safety Topics

  • NewsLo
  • March 8, 2020
what do politicians do
View Post
  • Politics

What Do Politicians Do and Where Does Their Money Come From?

  • NewsLo
  • February 29, 2020
ted cruz religion refugees
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • US
  • US-Feature

Ted Cruz News: “Helping Texans Is Not Like Helping New Orleans, Hurricane Sandy Was Righteous”

  • NewsLo
  • August 28, 2017
Taxes in Kansas Republican’s Bill Aims To Ban Women From Wearing Colorful Skirts Because “People Are Genuinely Mistaking Them For Trans-People” 3
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • Politics-Feature

Taxes in Kansas Republican’s Bill Aims To Ban Women From Wearing Colorful Skirts Because “People Are Genuinely Mistaking Them For Trans-People”

  • NewsLo
  • July 15, 2017
Trump Attacks Buzz Aldrin Back: “It Was All Fake News, There’s No Proof That Man Ever Came Close To The Moon” 4
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • Politics-Feature

Trump Attacks Buzz Aldrin Back: “It Was All Fake News, There’s No Proof That Man Ever Came Close To The Moon”

  • NewsLo
  • July 4, 2017
Eric Trump: “Nepotism Is How Americans Repay My Father For The Pro-Bono Work He’s Doing As President” 5
View Post
  • Politics-Feature
  • Politics

Eric Trump: “Nepotism Is How Americans Repay My Father For The Pro-Bono Work He’s Doing As President”

  • NewsLo
  • June 28, 2017
Paul Ryan: “22 Million Americans Choose To Be Poor, So It’s Their Own Problem If They Can’t Afford To Be Healthy” 6
View Post
  • Politics
  • Featured
  • Latest Lies
  • Politics-Feature

Paul Ryan: “22 Million Americans Choose To Be Poor, So It’s Their Own Problem If They Can’t Afford To Be Healthy”

  • NewsLo
  • June 28, 2017
Sheriff Clarke Says He Rescinded His Homeland Security Job “Because I Wouldn’t Be Allowed To Wear My Hat On Duty And I Prefer To Be The New FBI Head Anyway” 7
View Post
  • Featured
  • Politics
  • Politics-Feature

Sheriff Clarke Says He Rescinded His Homeland Security Job “Because I Wouldn’t Be Allowed To Wear My Hat On Duty And I Prefer To Be The New FBI Head Anyway”

  • NewsLo
  • June 19, 2017

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.

NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy

Input your search keywords and press Enter.