Boy Scouts Still Unsure Gays Fit for Arts and Crafts

IRVING, Tex. — Although the Boy Scouts of America is currently considering a proposal under which gays would be allowed to participate as scouts, it has not yet decided if gay scouts would be able to complete hyper-masculine scout projects, such as making bird feeders from pine cones, or sewing colorful patches onto their adorable uniforms.

“A lot of people say, ‘If the military is okay with it, why is the BSA still worried?'” said Chief Scout Executive Wayne Brock. “But the fact is, this isn’t the military, where the need for men to trust and be comfortable with one another is a matter of life and death. In the Boy Scouts, we need to know that our members—both children and adults—can plant rows of daisies like a pro, and there’s just no evidence that gays can do it like us ‘normals.’ ”

“This is normal,” added Brock. “A normal thing for an adult man to do.”

In a statement released last week, the BSA claimed it received 200,000 completed surveys indicating that most members of the organization were in favor of allowing gay children to participate, but still did not feel comfortable with gay adult scouts or leaders.

“We all want to be able to leave our kids alone with a grown man who chooses to spend his weekend recycling family newspapers or cleaning up a church parking lot with a bunch of children,” said Brock. “But what if that man is gay? You know? You gotta admit, it’s pretty weird, huh?”