Britain Imports Black Friday ‘But Only For The Fights and Stampedes’

LONDON – Looking for ways to increase sales, UK retailers have started adopting the American shopping holiday of Black Friday, but only because of Britain’s love of fighting in public.

John Longworth, the Director of the British Chambers of Commerce, emphasized that Black Friday was being introduced to boost the retail sector, with Amazon leading the charge in 2010, but acknowledged that the main appeal of the day was “being able to punch someone in the face over a £17 microwave”.

Longworth explained: “For years we’ve been trying to find a rationale for the public fighting we all so thoroughly enjoy, so when we discovered that the Yanks have an annual event where people are able to beat, shoot and pepper spray each other to get cheap smartphones and television, we knew we wanted a piece of that action.”

A spokesperson for the British store Asda – which is owned by Walmart – admitted that a big impetus for the introduction of Black Friday this year “was just to see if we could cause a stampede and maybe have a lady break her wrist. So, mission accomplished.” The spokesperson went on to describe the response to Black Friday as “phenomenal,” adding: “And by phenomenal, we mean strangers arguing in public and, ideally, getting injured so the rest of the country can feel much better about themselves and the high moral ground they occupy. Our customers get cheap electronics and everyone else can condescend them, it really is a win-win.”

Fights have been reported at Walmart stores in New Jersey, Georgia, Tennessee, Iowa, Kentucky, Alabama. Upon hearing this, Longworth said he was impressed by America’s effort, but he “expected us to catch up and be beating each other to death for waffle-makers in no time.”