Brooklynites Arrested After Instagramming Crime Spree

WILLIAMSBURG, N.Y. — A group of Brooklynites are facing criminal mischief charges after vandalizing several Williamsburg boutiques, record stores, and coffee shops early Saturday morning, and then posting pictures of their crimes using the popular photo-sharing application Instagram.

Authorities say the suspects uploaded over 450 photos to their Instagram accounts throughout the night, chronicling their insufferable mayhem while exposing their cleavage to the camera and ironically “duckfacing.” The pictures included such captions as “lo-fi snap of me throwing a garbage can through a bodega storefront #slummingit” and “recording your own crime spree is so 1995 #vintage.”

According to New York City Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly, investigators were able to track down the suspects by combing through their sepia-toned, over-saturated, and otherwise cloyingly obscured photos and identifying their matching nautical tattoos.

“In all my years in law enforcement, these are without a doubt the most self-obsessed, vapid criminals I’ve ever encountered,” said Kelly. “While we’re relieved to have caught the alleged perpetrators, in the coming months we’ll need to be on the lookout for copycat crimes, as people who use Instagram tend to lack individualism, often repeating the same trite cliches over and over.”

Jake’s Artisanal Bistro, a fine dining restaurant on Manhattan Ave., was one of the worst-hit businesses in the vandalism spree. According to owner Jake D. Boller, the establishment sustained more than $18,000 of damage.

“I went to open up, and was horrified to discover the bar was engulfed in flames,” said Boller. “But I was delighted that all of my cheeses had been fashionably plated.”