NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy
Subscribe
NewsLo
NewsLo
  • Home
  • Business
    • Accounting
    • Advertising
    • Branding
    • Career
    • Customer Service
    • Cyber Security
    • Entrepreneur
    • Jobs
    • Management
    • Marketing
    • Non Profit
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Sales
    • Web Design
  • Finance
    • Banking
    • Bankruptcy
    • Budgeting
    • Credit
    • Debt
    • Estate Wills & Trusts
    • Home Improvements
    • Law
    • Loans
    • Personal Finance
    • Taxes
    • Shopping
  • Investment
    • Crypto Currency
    • Gold & Silver
    • Hard Assets
    • Real Estate
    • Retirement
    • Stocks & Bonds
    • Trading
  • Real Estate
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Commercial Construction
    • Construction Law
    • Home Improvement
    • Loans
    • Property Management
    • Real Estate Laws
    • Rental Property
  • Insurance
    • Auto Insurance
    • Commercial Real Estate Insurance
    • Crop Insurance
    • Dental Insurance
    • Disability Insurance
    • Health Insurance
    • Home Owners Insurance
    • Identity Theft Protection
    • Insurance Law
    • Investment Insurance
  • Contact Us
  • Blogs

Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Bitch, I Don’t Know Your Life!

  • February 20, 2013
  • News Lo
Horoscope
(Photo Credit: Shutterstock)
Total
0
Shares
0
0
0

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: The Sagittarius moon is occupying your house, but that’s still not a reason to keep living at your parent’s.
Love: You don’t have a taste for the exotic just because you dig black guys.
Career: Don’t suggest your office participate in the run for “that ball cancer” charity.
Money: Your horse won’t come in if you’re at the greyhound track.
Lucky numbers: 23, 24, 25

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Your sharp wit could cut through an elephant’s fart.
Love: Love bites shouldn’t hurt! Ouch! Seriously?!!?
Career: You have a brain for business, but a body for a World of Warcraft addiction.
Money: Spending it like you got it means the Mickey D’s dollar menu for you.
Lucky numbers: 99

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Everyone will agree with you that it’s creepy when Willard Scott calls an old person “attractive.”
Love: Show the ladies your confidence this week; not just your wiener.
Career: You’re less of a shark and more of a remora.
Money: Try a Suze Orman book, because you’re not getting anywhere with, “The Sagat Financial Planner.”
Lucky Numbers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: I am so sick of telling you what to do. You figure it out! Sorry, sorry. It’s been a hard week.
Love: Your passion is fiery. Your technique is a wet blanket.
Career: Don’t be upset when your boss tells you to jump in a lake. You’re a lifeguard.
Money: Because you are a Pisces, you will see your finances from inside a fishbowl… that hasn’t been cleaned in several months. And all the other fishies are dead.
Lucky Numbers: H20

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: Stepping on the scale, you’ll realize that you’re one donut away from a Hoveround.
Love: No one wants to date a guy whose mother recently knitted him an umbilical cord.
Career: When your colleagues ask for unconventional ideas, refrain from suggesting a “whites only” bathroom policy.
Money: Don’t run figures in your head. Choose a bigger space, like a Port-O-Let. And it’s less stinky!
Lucky Numbers: 540 months

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Stop calling yourself, “The Real Housewife of My House.”
Love: Men will think you’re less available if you stop wearing kneepads on the first date.
Career: Resist the urge to dazzle your boss by proving you work magic as a receptionist by asking all clients, “Is this your card?”
Money: Don’t threaten the loan officer.
Lucky numbers:  deuce

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: Admit it: you’re not a die-hard liberal; you just want attention.
Love: If you’re unnaturally attached to your lover, call a surgeon.  Unless you two share a kidney.
Career: You will learn that it’s unprofessional to call your boss “squirrel friend.”
Money: Stop bouncing checks! Get lead checks!
Lucky numbers:  2, 2, 2, 2

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: In your Seventh House, Mars will rub up against Uranus. Yeah, I said it.
Love: A man might get confused if you offer him an “all day sucker, but feel free to slap him if he counter offers with a “jawbreaker.”
Career: Step back and look at the big picture of your future. It’s drawn in crayon. What does that tell you?
Money: You finally come to realize the best things in life aren’t free when you get arrested robbing a 7-Eleven. P.S.: A microwavable burrito is not one of “the best things in life.”
Lucky Numbers: 7, 11

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: Making peace with someone does not mean baking an ass cake together.
Love: Watch the guys run for the door when you tell them you only want “fur babies.”
Career: Your boss is tired of you missing meetings because of sharts.
Money: The teller won’t understand when you say you have “my mind on the money and the money on my mind.” She’s 80.
Lucky Numbers: Fiddy thousand

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Your creative juices will be flowing.
Love: Fix the bruise to your ego with some brews for your ego. Ha!
Career: Everyone will think you’re an idiot when you admit you thought the Catskills meant a cat can do Excel.
Money: “Greenbacks” is not a racial slur against your cash.
Lucky numbers:  49, 36, 28, hike!

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: No one cares who your favorite Golden Girl is.
Love: The ladies think that what you wrote is more like the Cliff’s Notes on The Book of Love.
Career: You are dealing with slippery characters at work, especially on “Girls Wrestling In Oil” night.
Money: Worry more about where your next check is coming from, because the last one came out of your butt. That’s weird.
Lucky numbers: Rose and Blanche

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: You will figure out your astrologer is a hack when you realize your custom birth chart is a drawing of a planet coming out of a stick figure’s vagina.
Love: Introducing yourself in Klingon at the club = jerking off to Seven of Nine at home.
Career: You don’t get a gold watch for 25 years at KFC. You do get free Lil’ Bucket parfaits!!
Money: Try being flexible with your money by bringing it to yoga.
Lucky Numbers: 7, 9, tissue

Total
0
Shares
Share 0
Tweet 0
Pin it 0
Related Topics
  • best horoscopes
  • Brtually honest
  • brutally honest horoscopes
  • Honest horoscopes
  • news humor and satire
Avatar of News Lo
News Lo

Welcome to Newslo! Our team of dedicated authors strives to deliver the latest and most important info on finance while infusing a dose of our own style to give you a unique experience. Whether you're looking for in-depth discussions on investments or solid finance tips, we have something for everyone. Our goal is to deliver you the best possible content. So, keep reading our articles and give us your feedback!

Previous Article
watching-tv
  • Media

Cable TV Dramas Now Sunday’s Biggest Religious Observance

  • February 20, 2013
  • News Lo
View Post
Next Article
Dunway_Burial
  • Politics

Military Sponsors War to Keep Troops Alive

  • February 20, 2013
  • News Lo
View Post
NewsLo
  • Today’s Headlines
  • Featured
  • US
  • Politics
  • World
  • Media
  • Sports
  • Privacy Policy
Navigating the world of finance, one step at a time.

Input your search keywords and press Enter.