SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: The Sagittarius moon is occupying your house, but that’s still not a reason to keep living at your parent’s.
Love: You don’t have a taste for the exotic just because you dig black guys.
Career: Don’t suggest your office participate in the run for “that ball cancer” charity.
Money: Your horse won’t come in if you’re at the greyhound track.
Lucky numbers: 23, 24, 25
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Your sharp wit could cut through an elephant’s fart.
Love: Love bites shouldn’t hurt! Ouch! Seriously?!!?
Career: You have a brain for business, but a body for a World of Warcraft addiction.
Money: Spending it like you got it means the Mickey D’s dollar menu for you.
Lucky numbers: 99
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Everyone will agree with you that it’s creepy when Willard Scott calls an old person “attractive.”
Love: Show the ladies your confidence this week; not just your wiener.
Career: You’re less of a shark and more of a remora.
Money: Try a Suze Orman book, because you’re not getting anywhere with, “The Sagat Financial Planner.”
Lucky Numbers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: I am so sick of telling you what to do. You figure it out! Sorry, sorry. It’s been a hard week.
Love: Your passion is fiery. Your technique is a wet blanket.
Career: Don’t be upset when your boss tells you to jump in a lake. You’re a lifeguard.
Money: Because you are a Pisces, you will see your finances from inside a fishbowl… that hasn’t been cleaned in several months. And all the other fishies are dead.
Lucky Numbers: H20
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: Stepping on the scale, you’ll realize that you’re one donut away from a Hoveround.
Love: No one wants to date a guy whose mother recently knitted him an umbilical cord.
Career: When your colleagues ask for unconventional ideas, refrain from suggesting a “whites only” bathroom policy.
Money: Don’t run figures in your head. Choose a bigger space, like a Port-O-Let. And it’s less stinky!
Lucky Numbers: 540 months
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Stop calling yourself, “The Real Housewife of My House.”
Love: Men will think you’re less available if you stop wearing kneepads on the first date.
Career: Resist the urge to dazzle your boss by proving you work magic as a receptionist by asking all clients, “Is this your card?”
Money: Don’t threaten the loan officer.
Lucky numbers: deuce
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: Admit it: you’re not a die-hard liberal; you just want attention.
Love: If you’re unnaturally attached to your lover, call a surgeon. Unless you two share a kidney.
Career: You will learn that it’s unprofessional to call your boss “squirrel friend.”
Money: Stop bouncing checks! Get lead checks!
Lucky numbers: 2, 2, 2, 2
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: In your Seventh House, Mars will rub up against Uranus. Yeah, I said it.
Love: A man might get confused if you offer him an “all day sucker, but feel free to slap him if he counter offers with a “jawbreaker.”
Career: Step back and look at the big picture of your future. It’s drawn in crayon. What does that tell you?
Money: You finally come to realize the best things in life aren’t free when you get arrested robbing a 7-Eleven. P.S.: A microwavable burrito is not one of “the best things in life.”
Lucky Numbers: 7, 11
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: Making peace with someone does not mean baking an ass cake together.
Love: Watch the guys run for the door when you tell them you only want “fur babies.”
Career: Your boss is tired of you missing meetings because of sharts.
Money: The teller won’t understand when you say you have “my mind on the money and the money on my mind.” She’s 80.
Lucky Numbers: Fiddy thousand
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Your creative juices will be flowing.
Love: Fix the bruise to your ego with some brews for your ego. Ha!
Career: Everyone will think you’re an idiot when you admit you thought the Catskills meant a cat can do Excel.
Money: “Greenbacks” is not a racial slur against your cash.
Lucky numbers: 49, 36, 28, hike!
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: No one cares who your favorite Golden Girl is.
Love: The ladies think that what you wrote is more like the Cliff’s Notes on The Book of Love.
Career: You are dealing with slippery characters at work, especially on “Girls Wrestling In Oil” night.
Money: Worry more about where your next check is coming from, because the last one came out of your butt. That’s weird.
Lucky numbers: Rose and Blanche
SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: You will figure out your astrologer is a hack when you realize your custom birth chart is a drawing of a planet coming out of a stick figure’s vagina.
Love: Introducing yourself in Klingon at the club = jerking off to Seven of Nine at home.
Career: You don’t get a gold watch for 25 years at KFC. You do get free Lil’ Bucket parfaits!!
Money: Try being flexible with your money by bringing it to yoga.
Lucky Numbers: 7, 9, tissue