Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Suck It Up, Buttercup

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Mars is straight up messin’ with you, bro.
Love: Don’t fall asleep during sex unless you’re playing “Doctor and Narcoleptic.”
Career: People still won’t know you’re the Banksy of the office!
Money: You will keep better financial records if you retire that abacus.
Lucky numbers: 2 beads + 1 bead.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: There’s celestial energy at play in your spiritual house!
Love: Enjoy a romantic evening alone with yourself. Masturbate by candlelight.
Career: Wait to fully hear out others’ ideas, and then shut them down.
Money: The only credit anyone is going to give you for is admitting you’re useless with money.
Lucky numbers: 1.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Your personal possessions are getting out of control.  Let those women out of the basement.
Love: You’re not God’s gift to women, you’re God’s gag gift to women.
Career: Make damn sure that’s his brother and not his wife in that picture on your boss’s desk.
Money: You’re not a leprechaun and you don’t shit gold, so…
Lucky Numbers: 2, 4, 0.

PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: “Animal Planet” is not a drug of choice.
Love: It’s not stalking if you really, really, really, really love them and if you were really, really molested.
Career: Take a risk Tuesday. Look at your co-worker’s dick while you’re both at the urinals. Then wink and nod. Then file for unemployment.
Money: You’ll have cold, hard cash if you stick your money in the freezer.
Lucky Numbers: 0, 00, 000, 0000.

ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: There’s no app for apathy.
Love: Put some “oomph” back into your sex life by saying “oomph” a bunch the next time you’re having sex.
Career: When your boss admires your energy, tell him it’s your excitement about the job; then laugh and say, “No, it’s the coke!”
Money: Retail therapy is how you end up at Super Target at 3am, riding a Jazzy and loading up on office supplies and underwear. Try real therapy.
Lucky Numbers:  3.

TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Get some creative writing done over the weekend by breaking off the “t” key on your laptop.
Love: The safe word is “awesome guac.”
Career: You’ll feel freer after you get some things off your chest at work, because you’ll get fired.
Money: Nothing costs two bits anymore.
Lucky numbers: 2, 5.

GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: It’s admirable that you keep your word. But, ewwwwww, your word is “moist.”
Love: Don’t take a wicked poop right before your invite someone into the potty to join the “Mile High Club”…also, don’t invite someone into the “potty.”
Career: It’s okay to drool over the prospect of a promotion, but not on your boss’s desk.
Money: End your money woes; stop saying “Whoa!” whenever you overdraw.
Lucky numbers: 35,000 feet.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: You can’t be a one-person flash mob.
Love: No one wants to give a rim job to a man who just ate Buffalo wings.
Career: You were supposed to short shrift your colleagues, not short sheet them.
Money: Be positive about your finances by saying “I LOVE being broke!”
Lucky Numbers: ½.

LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: When the going gets tough, you pussy out. What’s up with that?
Love: Stop treating your trysts like Sesame Street. Your penis is not a “woot woot” and her vagina is not a “bippy.
Career: That BFA makes a good placemat, huh?
Money: The loan shark does not think it’s amusing that you say his threats don’t “make cents.”
Lucky Numbers:  Broken fingers.

VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: You go beyond acting rashly sometimes; you get downright shingly.
Love: It doesn’t sound any better to say you’ve had “the mouth herpes.”
Career: Before you become super ambitious, make sure you really want to be head dishwasher….
Money: Being head dishwasher doesn’t mean you can launder money.
Lucky numbers:  4,0,9.

LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: You’re not a doomsday prepper just because you have 300 cans of chili.
Love: A home-cooked meal for your new love should not include just chili.
Career: It’s ironic that you work at…Chili’s.
Money: Really, we need to focus on your chili obsession…so, stop spending your money on chili. Your house smells like a fart.
Lucky numbers: Please get help.

SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: Venus creates an impact by ramming its Prius into your font window.
Love: Having a heart to heart doesn’t mean you get to smush up against her boobs.
Career: You’re not going to have a strong 401K if you keep dog walking.
Money: Your account is more overdrawn than an Etch-A-Sketch.
Lucky Numbers: 401K.