SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Mars is right outside your house, ringing your door and leaving a bag of flaming poo.
Love: “Just drinks” is not a precursor to “baby making.”
Career: It’s great that you got your degree online. It’s a little sad that you got it in “Unclogging Terlets.”
Money: Money is honey, and you’re a drone.
Lucky numbers: 3
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: If the world were Ace Hardware, you’d be the biggest tool.
Love: You won’t impress a younger woman by saying you want to record sex and then pulling out a cassette tape deck.
Career: Jupiter is coming out of retrograde transit and you have to figure out what means, because I’m not gonna tell you. Ha ha!
Money: Get to the bottom of your financial situation by smashing open your piggy bank.
Lucky numbers: 29
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Don’t make eye contact with the fat guy and maybe he won’t sit next to you on the plane.
Love: Comic-Con is a candy store for you. Go ahead, screw that skinny Spiderman wearing a Sailor Moon backpack!
Career: You will lose your job as a bikini waxer when you give a woman an isosceles triangle.
Money: Take a risk with your money by skydiving in a suit made of cash.
Lucky Numbers: 7, 4, 7
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: Your vinyl records aren’t a part of your identity.
Love: No guy’s going to believe that stripper pole in your in living room is a “vertical ballet bar.”
Career: You should be doing something you love. Go gay for pay.
Money: Make surecharge more than $20 when you do. This is your BUTT we’re talking about.
Lucky Numbers: Benjamin’s
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: People still can’t forgive your “I had a dream, and it involved my teeth falling out…what does THAT mean?” Speech on MLK Day.
Love: You may not find love on Christian Mingle.com, but you may get free communion wine!
Career: Your boss will be upset when he sees your browser history is all about finding animals dressed as other animals.
Money: Change is good, but not when it’s sticky. Ew.
Lucky Numbers: 1,5, 10, 25
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: You’re too old to watch Nickelodeon.
Love: Those clown figurines are definitely a romantic deterrent.
Career: They aren’t going to give you a patent for a “Bullshit Detector.”
Money: Spend cash to make cash. Buy a counterfeiting operation!
Lucky numbers: Over 40
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: You’re just about at the age where you can’t audition for “American Idol” anymore. Move on.
Love: Your OCD goes to new heights when you try to align that lady’s boobs.
Career: Stop talking about “Dilbert.”
Money: You have a head for money and a body for laughs.
Lucky numbers: 21!
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: You’re always mugging for the camera. It’s annoying.
Love: She’s going to dump you when your anniversary present is a gift certificate for “5 Free Hugs.”
Career: Your job is getting better than you think; that could mean fewer beatings!
Money: For your tax return this year: Just because he wears a tie and is cheap doesn’t mean you have to use the guy on the corner who calls himself “Filey G. Taxman.”
Lucky Numbers: 1040
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: It’s weird that your Astrology sign is “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.”
Love: Stop jerking off in the gym shower, or at least wait until they get individual stalls…
Career: Right now, the only job you qualify for is prison snitch…
Money: … but getting paid in cigarettes is better than getting paid in toilet wine!
Lucky Numbers: 13
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: You will exemplify bad taste when you photo bomb at a funeral.
Love: You will exemplify MORE bad taste when you hit on the widow.
Career: You may be the worst funeral director EVER.
Money: Stop stealing the coins off the corpses’ eyes.
Lucky numbers: You’re awful.
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: Your dog does not have a blog. But your cat is on Twitter.
Love: Be careful, the state of your relationship is Alabama.
Career: Don’t suggest “Gogurt Day.”
Money: The casino will ban you from the blackjack tables when you count cards out loud.
Lucky numbers: K-9
SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: Let your freak flag fly, unless it’s Iran’s.
Love: A cock ring is not for engagements.
Career: Keeping your ear to the ground will just let people step on your head.
Money: You’re not going to amass a fortune making pantsuits for stuffed hamsters.
Lucky Numbers: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0ƒf