SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: You’re on your own this week, because your guardian, Mars, is in the House of Pancakes.
Love: That girl you’ll meet online? That girl to whom you’ll send a picture of your dick? “She” is a morally ambiguous, morbidly obese IT guy from Minot.
Career: Good news is delayed when your boss realizes he doesn’t have any for you.
Money: You’re so broke, your style is more “Downton Shabby.”
Lucky numbers: 3, 6, 9
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: Your Florida vacation will be cut short when you realize you have to wear a bathing suit in public.
Love: Get your mind, body and soul ready for love…by waxing EVERYTHING.
Career: It will be embarrassing when you take the company’s “balls to the wall” philosophy too literally. And you’ll have to clean off that wall.
Money: You need to rethink keeping your money in the “Bank of My Mattress.”
Lucky numbers: deez nuts
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: Try using your charm for more than just free drinks.
Love: The way to a woman’s heart is not “through the butthole.”
Career: Stop violating the copier.
Money: Don’t measure your self-worth by the amount of money you have. Because then you’re worth nothin’!
Lucky Numbers: 0000
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: You will cease ordering from HSN just so you can talk to someone and do it just for your love of Isaac Mizrahi.
Love: If you love and accept yourself, you’ll feel better that no one can stand you.
Career: Your office is not “Mad Men.” It’s “Sad Men.”
Money: You’re too old to sell candy on the subway for “basketball money.”
Lucky Numbers: 1960
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: Don’t get carried away this week; you’ll hurt someone’s back, chub chub!
Love: I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but… she has on a prospector’s hat.
Career: At work, don’t be anti-social. Be Uncle Friendly!
Money: If you pay me $1000, I’ll stop doing awful puns.
Lucky Numbers: I mean it.
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Quit telling people you were the sixth N’Sync member.
Love: With a little hope and faith, you’ll have a pretty groovy threesome!!
Career: There’s a 50/50 chance that literally kissing your manager’s ass will pay off.
Money: It’s a gas. Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.
Lucky numbers: 50, 50
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: You will reach a new level of maturity when you redecorate and throw out that “Certified Muff Diver” diploma.
Love: The waitress at Fridays is going to figure out you’re dating her for cheap wings.
Career: Up your personal power by beating the shit out of your superiors.
Money: You shouldn’t cheat on your taxes if you made less than your deductions.
Lucky numbers: 1099
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: You will realize that your dog committed suicide by jumping in front of that car.
Love: Admit it, your romantic vibes are battery powered.
Career: The ability to “make a bong out of anything” is not a skill you should list on a job application.
Money: Money can’t buy you love. But it can buy you sex. You knew that, though…
Lucky Numbers: K-9
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: People are still laughing behind your back because you thought Molly Hatchet was a lady band.
Love: This weekend, you’ll finally quit your lying. You are not a model for blow up dolls.
Career: When you whistle too hard while you work, you will blow out your sphincter.
Money: There’s no disability payment for a blown out sphincter.
Lucky Numbers: 36, 24, 36
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Alex Trebek is not threatening you through the television.
Love: The opposite sex will see you in a better light if the lights are off.
Career: Nothing is beyond your capabilities. Except really hard things.
Money: Your investments suck. $200,000 in a roller disco? Really?
Lucky numbers: Daily double
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: You continue to celebrate the Oscars this week by randomly insulting ethnicities.
Love: You have to stop going up to women and whispering “sweet nothings” in their ears, because that is literally all you’re saying.
Career: You can’t miss work to go to the funeral for Muzak.
Money: Go boldly where you have not gone before, like out of debt.
Lucky numbers: -5
SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: Keep to your morals and ethics, as weak as they are.
Love: Take your Low-T pills before you go out; not at the bar.
Career: What you do for a living helps others, no matter how much money you make. So keep janitor-ing. That puke won’t clean up itself.
Money: Money will follow you if you dress like sexy money!
Lucky Numbers: Hot $20