Horoscopes
You know what you do
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
This week: Dig deep to find what past experiences are holding you back. Once you do, quickly bury them in your subconscious, because, wow, did some weird shit happen to you!
Love: If love is like oxygen, this week you will be brain dead.
Career: Your boss is going to realize your aren’t sick when he sees you in the crowd on “The Today Show” holding an “I Heart Kathie Lee” sign.
Money: Frugality is not self-denial. It’s completely joyless self-denial.
Lucky numbers: CO2
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
This week: You just stepped in poop.
Love: You will bring joy to your family when you tell them you have a girlfriend.You will bring shame to your family when you tell them her name is “Rosie Palms.”
Career: Don’t date someone in the office, take them out for a nice dinner instead!
Money: Invest and consult with a professional. Prostitute.
Lucky numbers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18th)
This week: You can’t have nice things because you ruined Christmas.
Love: Stop calling her. When the phone rings and doesn’t go straight to voice mail, it means she knows you’re calling. She isn’t answering on purpose. You’re pathetic.
Career: Don’t ruffle your boss’ feathers, even though he acts like a big cock.
Money: Shopping at The Sharper Image does not give you a sharper image.
Lucky Numbers: 311
PISCES (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
This week: You will have less drama in your life if you take off the Kabuki makeup.
Love: It is not sexy when you grab your crotch and say it is “the home of the Whopper”.
Career: When it comes to office gossip, the janitor is a reliable source. Psssssst, he “knows things”.
Money: You don’t need that “in every color.” It’s a vibrator.
Lucky Numbers: 49.99
ARIES (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
This week: You are meeting your resolutions so far, but your resolutions were to sit on your ass all day, watch “Judge Alex,” and masturbate.
Love: Try to keep the scales of love more balanced. Right now, you’re a 98-pound weakling.
Career: An online education will not net you a real life job.
Money: Don’t throw change at the strippers.
Lucky Numbers: .25
TAURUS (Apr. 20-May 20)
This week: Share and share alike. Hoard and end up on a reality show.
Love: A three-way isn’t a three-way when one person is a blow-up doll.
Career: Don’t try to have a brainstorming session with your boss while at the urinal.
Money: An emergency fund shouldn’t include Funyuns.
Lucky numbers: 3
GEMINI: (May 21-June 20)
This week: You have friends in high places, especially now that weed is legal.
Love: No decent woman wants to watch you take your “You Tube” out of your pants.
Career: Lose your tough guy attitude around the office. You can’t be a bad-ass wearing a pocket protector.
Money: Keep your deficits emotional by buying more useless crap and flaunting it in front of the homeless.
Lucky numbers: 2,000,000,000
CANCER (June 21-July 22)
This week: Don’t throw away important mementos from your childhood, or no one will ever know you existed.
Love: You and your boo boo honey will reach rough waters when you try to do it in the bathtub.
Career: Don’t let success go to your head just because you now have “printer privileges.”
Money: You aren’t saving money on cable by watching your neighbors’ television from their fire escape. And now that money will have to go towards bail.
Lucky Numbers: 10-12
LEO: (July 23-Aug. 22)
This week: Please stop hugging strangers.
Love: You’re not a member of Weight Watchers just because you stalk fat chicks.
Career: Soften your demeanor at work by wearing marshmallow shoes! Wheeeeeee!
Money: Do a financial makeover by drawing eyelashes on George Washington’s dollar face.
Lucky Numbers: A buck
VIRGO: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
This week: Things are looking up this year. Then again, everyone you know died last year.
Career: Do not suggest Carol be “the office masseuse.”
Love: Marry Carol, she gives great massages.
Money: Income will rise this year, mostly because you were unemployed last year.
Lucky numbers: 1099
LIBRA: (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This week: Take everything with a grain of salt. Then loosen the tops on all the shakers.
Love: You are not in love with your psychiatrist. But he’s in love with you! Awwwww!
Career: Advancement is yours because you saw your superior kill that guy!
Money: Your new plan of exploiting the Amish will net many riches. Paid in goat cheese.
Lucky numbers: 5150
SCORPIO: (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
This week: You don’t give things up “for lentils.”
Love: Laughing at ass jokes is really immature.
Career: Laughing at your boss’ ass jokes is really smart.
Money: This week, your financial situation is solely under the house of Uranus. Heh heh. Your anus.
Lucky Numbers: Butthole Heh heh.
