WASHINGTON — According to the Bureau of Economic Analysis, the United States’ top export in 2012 was pure, unadulterated bullshit.
After decades of producing mainly consumer goods, the ability to deceive, pander, obfuscate, and outright lie – be it to the world at large, co-workers, friends and family, or even oneself – is, for the first time, America’s primary export for global consumption. With political partisanship at an all-time high, this achievement is a point of pride.
“People say that Americans can no longer come together to make anything anymore,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, “I say to them, look at the fiscal cliff creation, then look at the failure to deal with it in any meaningful way. Listen to the triumphant cries of American exceptionalism, then read about how we are lagging behind most other industrialized nations in math and science. Do this, then tell me we are not world leaders in the manufacturing of piping hot crap.”
“If we stay this course, our best days are yet to come” Boehner added. The Speaker was then engulfed in a swarm of flies.
It is not just leaders in Washington who have contributed to the wave of untruths, according to Nobel Prize winning economist Elinor Ostrum, but Americans from all walks of life. “Call it bullshit, a crock, malarkey – what you will,” said Ostrum. “Whether it’s [New York Jets owner] Woody Johnson saying he believes in [quarterback] Mark Sanchez, fast food companies showing healthy, vibrant people enjoying their ‘food,’ or your parents claiming that climate change is not an issue even after Hurricane Sandy destroyed their home, the United States is without equal when it comes to manufacturing – both on a macro and micro level – fictional nonsense”
The effects of this boom, and its wholesale swallowing, are being felt worldwide. In Egypt, President’s Mohamed Morsi – who came to power atop a wave of pro-democracy protests – signed into law a constitution that does not secure equal rights for all of its citizens. Meanwhile, London resident Nigel Crompton convinced himself he does not have to get in shape in order to attract beautiful women after seeing the film ‘Here Comes the Boom’, in which Kevin James becomes a mixed martial arts fighter and beds Selma Hayek.
C-list celebrity based reality shows had been the U.S.’s top export from 2007 through 2011.
