Burger King Executive: Our Customers Prefer to be Fat

MIAMI – Shortly after Burger King announced that it will phase out its lower-fat French fries option, one restaurant executive is explaining the controversial decision. Chief financial officer Daniel Schwartz explained Sunday that Burger King’s customers simply “prefer to be fat” and “abhor any food that might tighten their waistlines.”

“We gave them the option,” Schwartz said, referring to the low-fat and low-calorie Satisfries that had appeared on all Burger King menus until recently. “We said to Burger King lovers: Here’s a French fry that still tastes pretty damn good, and could actually make you just slightly less fat.

“Do you know how they responded?” Schwartz continued. “Overwhelmingly, they said, ‘Get that healthy crap out of my face, and pass me the salt please.’”

Indeed, about 100 million customers tried the healthier fries over the last year, but disappointing sales indicated that they quickly returned to gleefully shoving their mouths full of the higher-fat option.

“There’s only one conclusion to be made,” Schwartz said. “Burger King customers love being fat, and we have to respect that. The market has spoken.”

Satisfries will remain available at roughly one-third of Burger King franchises—at least for the time being. Those stores will treat the fries as a limited-time-only offer, and will be free to begin fattening up their loyal customers again whenever they so choose.

Schwartz noted that Burger King will be bringing back its Chicken Fries to placate its customers’ deep love of their own obesity. “We hope this gesture will keep people coming to BK, instead of defecting to Wendy’s, with its new Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburger,” Schwartz said.