Business Leaders Promise There is Nothing Nefarious in Their Support for Sensible Immigration Reform

WASHINGTON — With big business leaders around the country supporting immigration reform that is both sensible and rational, the Democratic leadership has been left scrambling to try to figure out the subversive reason why.

Democratic Minority Leader had this to say: “This is the same business community that pushed for the massive deregulation which led to the economic crash and the same one that routinely bypasses paying taxes. There is absolutely no way that they’re not up to something; I just have yet to figure out what it is.”

Bill Marriott Jr., head of Marriott International Hotel group and a former Romney backer who supports immigration reform, thinks Pelosi’s comments are unfair. “Big business isn’t all bad and our opinion deserves to be heard,” noted Mr. Marriott Jr. Yeah, sure, we’ve made some mistakes in the past—like opposing child worker laws and the minimum wage—but all people make mistakes, and Citizens United clearly establishes us as people.”

Jonathon Johnson, another GOP fundraiser and CEO of Overstock.com, swears he is not up to anything. “I promise we don’t have some nefarious scheme to package subprime green cards and trade them like subprime mortgages.”

Bank of America is reportedly pushing for immigration reform after hearing Johnson’s comments about subprime green cards. The scandal-plagued bank has released a statement saying that, “unlike subprime mortgages, there is absolutely no way that subprime green cards can tank.” Bank of America executives have also been joined by other business leaders to urge Congress to pass immigration legislation as soon as possible.