Bystanders Shot by NYPD Just Happy to be Out of Times Square

NEW YORK – Two innocent bystanders who were shot by NYPD officers in bustling Times Square Saturday night are reportedly in stable condition and, according to doctors, simply happy to have been rescued from the “nightmarish hellscape that is Times Square.”

The two women—54 and 35 years old—were wounded by officers as they pursued a “mentally unstable” man who was reportedly pretending that his metro card was a gun. Officers opened fire on the man, but missed. The errant bullets struck one woman in the leg and the other in the buttocks, and both women told reporters that they were “very grateful” for their injuries.

“If I hadn’t been shot, the ambulance might not have come to rescue me, and I might still be wandering around Times Square, being harassed by guys trying to sell me airbrushed paintings of Al Pacino characters,” the first victim said. “Thank God for NYPD’s reckless behavior and poor aim.”

The second victim agreed that the officers who shot her in the buttocks had “totally saved the day.” “I’d been trying to get the hell out of Times Square for over three hours,” she said. “But everywhere I turned some gawking tourist was blocking the way, or someone was shoving free comedy club tickets in my face—I felt like I was suffocating. But then I heard a pop and felt the bullet enter my butt cheek. Very soon after, EMT’s came and pulled me out of that circus of nightmares.”

Both of the victims were taken to nearby hospitals, which they reportedly found refreshingly devoid of garish, overblown ads and soul-numbing Disney stores.

NYPD Commissioner Ray Kelly said that the officers will not be subject to disciplinary action over the incident. “As far as we’re concerned, the officers performed a valuable public service,” Kelly said. “They saved two citizens from our real-world version the Blade Runner set. If anything, promotions are in order.”