C.I.A. Learning Why Everyone Hates AT&T

LANGLEY, Va. – Though widely regarded as the top intelligence agency in the world, the C.I.A. is just now learning what so many Americans have known for years: that AT&T’s coverage is absolutely terrible.

The revelation comes after a New York Times article detailed the agency’s purchase of phone data on calls both foreign and domestic.  While AT&T is not under any court order or subpoena requiring them to cooperate, the company has nonetheless willingly given over call information from its vast archives – which even include the records of non-AT&T customers.

“Listening to all these calls has given us a treasure trove of diverse information,” said Agency spokesman Bill Harlow.  “But one theme has popped up over and over again: frustration with AT&T’s spotty coverage, subpar data download speed, and a pretty crappy text message plan.”

Harlow added, “How they manage to stay in business escapes me.”  The CIA is the only member of the “Friends, Family, Allies & Combatants Plan”, and pays AT&T $10 million a year for its services.

At times, the spotty service has been an  asset in the War on Terror, particularly when it frustrates would-be terrorists..  “I do most of my business by phone,” said Mustafa Drogez, a terrorist who operates out of a safe house in Queens, NY.  “And every time I am supposed to get important info from my handler in Pakistan – like when and where I’m supposed to strike – the call is always dropping.” Drogez said his frustration is magnified by the fact that he had previously left T-Mobile for what he assumed was the superior reliability of AT&T.  “The Great Satan can perpetuate Zionist control of the world but can’t produce one reliable international call carrier?”