“Pat Robertson has become convinced that the financial system will collapse and the world is coming to an end after reading the works of Jonathan Cahn, a messianic rabbi who has won prominent followers such as Glenn Beck and Jim Baker and who believes that God will release sweeping punishment on America this month as part of a seven-year cycle of judgment.
“Robertson invited Cahn onto his “The 700 Club” program recently, where the two discussed Cahn’s claim that something bad will happen this month and when that bad thing happens, it will be a sign of God’s wrath. Pointing to the birth last year of two cows that have facial marks that look like the number 7, Cahn and Robertson said this is all the proof they need that Americans should get ready for a cataclysmic event to occur in the coming weeks.
“And you’re absolutely sure that the number seven marks on their faces are proof that God will strike America with a furious vengeance?” Roberson inquired. “Absolutely,” replied Cahn, “as sure as I am sitting here before you now. I can even tell you that it will happen this month, in September. This is the seventh year from 2008, when recession struck the United States. The cards have been dealt. All we can do now is wait.”
“Well, to be honest, that kind of makes sense,” Robertson said. “But, I have to admit, I’m more concerned with another thing. I’ve heard that recently a baby cow was born with the face of Kim Davis, the imprisoned Kentucky clerk who has, as you probably know, consistently refused to issue marriage licenses to gay couples. Do you have any idea what’s up with that?”
“Actually, I do,” Cahn replied instantly. “I must admit I was hoping you’d ask me that. I heard that story too, and let me tell you, as soon as you hear something like that, you immediately freeze up and go, ‘Yup, we’re f*cked.’ I mean, it’s pretty obvious what God is trying to tell us right there, isn’t it?”
Roberson agreed: “Clear as daylight, to me at least.” Cahn argued: “First we have two cows with number 7 marks on their faces, and then we have a baby cow with the face of a jailed clerk who refused, repeatedly, I might add, to issue marriage licenses to gay people – doomsday really is coming, and I don’t know what else needs to happen for people to take us seriously. Maybe we need a donkey with Obama’s face next?”
“You know, John,” Robertson interjected, “what surprises me now is that I also heard that that baby cow’s mother used to only hang around other female cows. Maybe she was a lesbian and this is now her punishment? What do you think?”
“Could be,” Cahn answered. “I mean, God does works in mysterious ways. Who’s to say that He doesn’t have a sense of irony as well?”