California Becomes First State to Ban Celebrity Marriage

LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s spokesman Charles West released a statement saying, “The astronomical divorce rates among celebrities compromises the sanctity of marriage that God left us to enforce.”

“God created marriage for man and woman, not for beautiful, rich sociopaths to make millions selling their exclusive wedding photos to Us Weekly,” said a fired-up voter, Megan Richards, who voted in support on the ban.

The new law denies famous couples like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie the right of uniting in the presence of God and Perez Hilton.

Celebrity marriage advocates were outraged by the decision. “This is a blatant attack on the civil rights of ordinary men and women possessing extreme wealth, attractiveness, and vanity!” shouted Hollywood mega-agent Kurt Gold.

But the tone in this bellwether state was clear: marriage is a sacred institution, and must be protected. “I don’t care what anyone says, being a celebrity is a choice,” thundered California Governor Jerry Brown. “No one is born a celebrity – that’s something you decide later in life. Look at someone like Judge Reinhold: he decided to be a celebrity for a while, and now he’s probably serving fries at a Dairy Queen.”

Celebrity marriage has become such a hot-button issue that even liberals, who traditionally rally against marriage inequality, have supported California’s ban. “I think the government has absolutely no right to tell people like my gay brother who he can or can’t marry,” activist Sally Richardson told Newslo. “But at this point we have every right to keep Kim Kardashian far, far away from the altar.