WASHINGTON – The results of a new poll suggest that, for presidential hopefuls, cultivating a squeaky-clean public image may not be the surefire strategy for winning the White House that it once seemed. Many of the leading politicians looking to make a run in 2016 have already taken note of the finding and are working to project a “more evil” image in hopes of attracting followers.
Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas and a likely candidate in 2016, is one of the contenders looking to convince voters that he is “not as wholesome” as he may appear.
“People seem to think of me as a nice guy,” Cruz told a rally in Fort Worth Wednesday afternoon. “Well, I’m not. Why, just yesterday I killed a puppy in cold blood. It hadn’t even done anything to me—I just wanted to feel the life draining from its cute little body as I strangled it.”
Cruz aides later assured reporters that the senator hadn’t actually murdered a puppy. “The senator got a little carried away in his remarks,” one aide said. “But he did kick the puppy, and pretty damn hard, too.”
On the Democratic side, the Hillary Clinton camp has been pursuing its own strategy in an effort to rebrand the former first lady. Clinton has taken to wearing entirely black pants suits and speaking in a menacing tone when in public. “Let me assure you, this is the real Hillary,” said Clinton aide Huma Abedin. “We’re just relieved that the rest of the world will finally get to know her the way her closest confidants always have—as a probable sociopath whose favorite pastime is spitting on old people.”
Clinton and other leaders were inspired by a poll conducted by FiveThirtyEight.com. As reported by the Washington Post, the poll showed that Darth Vader—the Sith Lord of “Star Wars”fame—is seen more favorably by the American public than any of the likely candidates for the 2016 presidential elections, including Clinton, Rand Paul, and Mike Huckabee. The Post said that “these numbers suggest that if ‘Star Wars’ were real and Darth Vader decided to enter the 2016 presidential race, he’d be the immediate front-runner.”
Sen. Rand Paul, another pol likely to throw in his hat, said that it didn’t surprise him to learn that “Americans prefer a free spirit like Vader. [Darth Vader] is a man who plays by his own rules, and certainly doesn’t care about what any government has to say about it,” Paul said. “I’ve always felt we were kindred spirits. I, too, recently used a superlaser to destroy peaceful planet.”
“By the way,” Paul added. “Superlasers are protected under the Second Amendment.”
Pollster Nate Silver said the news that Americans like evil has been a “tremendous relief” for most leading politicians. “Everyone already knows that politicians are pieces of shit,” Silver explained. “This poll indicates that voters simply want their leaders to be themselves—even if that means being an evil prick—and the politicians are just happy they can finally drop the nice-guy act.”
Florida senator Marco Rubio confirmed Kline’s interpretation. “It’s exhausting, pretending to be better than you are,” Rubio said. “I feel like I can finally talk freely about my love for organizing and filming ultimate bum fights without people getting all high and mighty.”