Michele Bachmann’s Top 15 One-Liners

1.  “Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” -Rep. Michele Bachmann, April, 2009 2. “But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.” 3. ”This cannot pass. What we have…

‘How I Met Your Mother’ Sort-of Fans Disappointed, Thought Season Finale Was Series Finale

Sort-of fans of CBS’s “How I Met Your Mother” were disappointed Monday night with the Season 8 finale in which The Mother was revealed, largely because it was not the series finale. The show’s popularity has varied over its eight-year span, experiencing ratings that ebbed and flowed as fans lost interest, re-tuned in and then promptly lost interest again. “I was really…

Race of Mole People Discovered Beneath California, Already Making Clothes for Disney

ANAHEIM, Calif. — The dust had barely settled from the devastating factory collapse in Bangladesh when Disney announced that they will be moving all their manufacturing out of the region. The company did not reveal where they would be moving to, and speculation over an even cheaper workforce stirred the discourse. Newslo has confirmed that Disney is in fact moving manufacturing back…

After Screwing Argentinian Mistress, Sanford Sets Sights on Screwing Entire Nation

Sanford

In the kind of Cinderella story you only hear about in pornographic remakes of German fairy tales, Mark Sanford has won a special election in South Carolina’s 1st Congressional District over Democratic nominee Elizabeth Colbert Busch, sister of comedian Stephen Colbert. Sanford is best known as the former South Carolina governor who went “hiking on the Appalachian Trail.” After being out of…

Report: L.A. Has Nation’s Worst Traffic, Based on Number of Angry Tweets

LOS ANGELES – Tinseltown is really Traffictown once more. According to a report released by data tracker Inrix last week, Los Angeles has the nation’s most congested roads. The average Angelino spent 59 hours sitting in traffic last year. While those nearly two-and-a-half days stuck behind the wheel are telling, the real indicator of L.A.’s commuter congestion problem may be the preponderance…

All the World’s a Stage: An Interview with Alex Jones

Alex Jones is a radio talk show host, author, documentary filmmaker and the founder of InfoWars.com. In the wake of the Boston Marathon bombings, Jones theorized that the attacks were carried out by the United States government—an integral part of the “New World Order,” according to Jones—in a “false flag” operation meant to generate fear of terrorism and justify increased TSA involvement…

Macy’s and JC Penney to Duel Over Martha Stewart’s Honor

Ex-Convict Martha Stewart is at the center of an 18-month legal dispute between consumer behemoths Macy’s Inc. and JC Penney Co. Inc. “The legal system has obviously failed us,” said Donald Trump, Macy’s spokesperson. “That’s why we’re challenging JC Penney to a duel on Saturday. The winner will have the privilege of selling her pillow shams, casseroles, and other domestic fineries. The…

Mark Sanford: This Week Has S-U-C-K-E-D for Me

Yeesh! It’s been a craptacular couple of days for the ole’ Sanford and Sons. As you may have heard, the Republican Party has sent me out to pasture, saying on Wednesday they won’t be putting any money into my campaign. Well, guess what, dipshits? I like being outdoors—woo! I heard what you guys said, that it’s “foolish” for anyone to give me…

Anne Frank More of a Kanye Girl, Experts Say

The note Justin Bieber wrote to Anne Frank in the guest book at the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam has stirred up some controversy around the young pop star. It has also inspired some fresh interest in the late diarist’s musical tastes had she been a teen in today’s world. The Internet is abuzz with speculation, and people have become obsessed with…

Mohammed Morsi Op-Ed: I am a very funny man

I have heard the grumblings and the complaints. I hear people saying, “Oh, Mohammed, you have no sense of humor.” I tell you now: I have a sense of humor, you silly goose. Many believe that because of the arrest of Bassem Youssef, a vile satirist who revels in fecal jokes, that I haven’t a sense of humor. Wrong. I love jokes.…

Dear Leader, Advice from Kim Jong-Un

Kim Jong-un, the leader of the DPRK – the wealthiest, most advanced and prosperous nation on Earth, answers our readers’ financial questions: Dear Leader, The stock market is at an all-time high, and I finally found a job after 3 years of unemployment. Should I invest all my extra earnings into stocks? – confused-yet-optimistic reader Dear Reader, Great question! Not as great…

The World According to Dick Cheney’s Old Heart

Like many of you, I was looking forward to The World According to Dick Cheney when it premiered on Friday night.  In fact, I even celebrated by fixing myself a Dick Cheney (that’s half light, sweet crude/half bile).  But when I heard him say “I have no regrets” in the film, I was wishing I could say the same thing. Don’t get…

Sink Holing Trend Sweeps Internet

INTERNET — You‘ve done the Harlem Shake, Milked Bombed your local grocery story, and Planked everything in sight. Now, a new trend is sweeping the internet, and it’s called Sink Holing. Sink Holing first appeared in Seffner, Fla., where Jeff Bush, 37, pioneered the phenomenon from his bedroom. On the night of February 28th, Bush was taken on a journey of a…

22 Sexy Ways to Avoid a Drone Strike

Are you wondering about the best way to avoid getting killed by an MQ-9 Reaper drone with laser-guided munitions while also pleasing your man? Al-Qaeda’s nifty guide provided some pointers, but it wasn’t exactly romance-friendly. Here are some tips about how to stay alive while keeping your relationship hot. 1. Buy your boyfriend a Russian “sky-grabber” device to infiltrate drone frequencies. Then…

Brutally Honest Horoscopes: Worst Dressed Nominee

Horoscope

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: You’re on your own this week, because your guardian, Mars, is in the House of Pancakes. Love: That girl you’ll meet online? That girl to whom you’ll send a picture of your dick?  “She” is a morally ambiguous, morbidly obese IT guy from Minot. Career: Good news is delayed when your boss realizes he doesn’t have…