Newslo Brutally Honest Horoscopes
Horoscopes You know who you are. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: The Sun is sleeping in your life cycle; stick its hand in warm water so it pees on…
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Blogs
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Newslo, The Least Trusted Name In News, is your #1 source for political satire on the internet.
Samantha Tracey’s Pissed Connections
Dear Pissed Connections, I was humping this chick on and off for about 5 months, and things ended between us 2 months ago. We haven’t really been talking much since…
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Andy Purman’s Pity Party
Dear Pity Party, There is blood everywhere! He was just putting the star on the Christmas tree, oh sweet Jesus! I thought the safety was off! Don’t call the police!…
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Newslo’s Brutally Honest Horoscopes
Horoscopes You know who you are. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: This week, the moon is in the house of Leo. Doing it Aries style. Bom chicka bom bom. …
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Newslo’s Brutally Honest Horoscopes
Horoscopes You know who you are. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) This week: The moon is really messing with you at the beginning of the week; it’s best not to venture…
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Ayman al-Zawahiri’s Travel Blog
After realizing I wasn’t getting any respect as the leader of the world’s greatest terrorist organization, I decided to push my luck and go on vacation. Since half the world…
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Andy Purman’s Pity Party: Black Sunday?
Dear Pity Party, I had a total brain fart and thought Black Friday was on a Sunday this year. I know about Cyber Monday, but Internet shopping doesn’t allow me…
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Weekly Fast Forward – The News Before It Happens
Society Call of Duty Online to Uncover Rampant Sexual Contact Between Twelve-Year Olds, Nation’s Mothers Just a week after the release of Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, players will…
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Newslo’s 2-Cent Movie Review of Lincoln, As Seen by Jessica Simpson
Have you ever noticed how most people reviewing movies nowadays seem to be stuck-up, cynical film snobs? People who think and analyze way too much and just seem to take…
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Andy Purman’s Pity Party
Dear Pity Party, I recently moved to Newark, NJ, and quickly befriended my neighbor Alfonzo, who is sadly unemployed in this frail economy. He and his friends are always asking…
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Sarah Palin’s Dirty Secret: Did She Actually Vote for Barack Obama?
WASILLA, Alaska — Rumors are surfacing that Sarah Palin is secretly ecstatic about President Obama’s reelection, since it opens up great businesses opportunities for her. Watching Sarah Palin is like…
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Sanctions with Ahmadinejad
You silly, silly white people. You thought your little Mittens would become the next president, call up Benny “I Once Slept With a Transsexual Prostitute Who Stank of Pork” Netanyahu,…
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Voters Back Romney, Just to See a Chris Matthews Meltdown
NEW YORK — Chris Matthews’ explosive meltdown after the first Presidential debate in Denver was not only shocking, but also incredibly entertaining. Matthew’s hair was ruffled. His eyes were so…
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Sean Hannity’s Apocalyptic Narrative of an Obama Reelection
NEW YORK — In preparation for a close election one of FOX News’s most extreme pundits and commentators, Sean Hannity, is hard at work constructing his narrative for a possible…
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Andy Purman’s Pity Party
Dear Pity Party, I understand that there is an election approaching, and I am still undecided. I guess I am a political “moderate.” I don’t want Obama to personally steal…
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HISTORICAL INACCURACY: Gandhi’s Salt March Actually Quest for Perfect Cheeseburger
HISTORY— Mahatma “Hot Foot” Gandhi admitted in a recent post-mortem autobiography that his infamous Salt March initially began as the quest for the perfect cheeseburger. “You’d think cows be sacred…
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Um, Hi, Remember Me?
It would appear that the ungrateful infidels in American media outlets have forgotten yours truly. When was the last time you saw my name headlining primetime news? My advisors tell…
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Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens
Politics Romney Will Ask Stage Manager for Line During Next Debate BOCA RATON, Florida — In yet another bout of Romnesia, presidential candidate Mitt Romney will bring Monday night’s debate…
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TLC: We Love You, but Seriously?
TLC is one of the most popular networks on cable television, housing some of the most watched shows of this year and years past. But what is America really “learning”…
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Congressman Retires, Thanks Constituents for Free Money
Dear Constituents, I am writing to you today not as a politician, not as an elected representative, not as a public figure, but as your neighbor, friend, and co-worker. As…
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Sanctions With Ahmadinejad: A New York Minute
NEW YORK — Well, all in all I would say that was a successful trip. One never knows what to expect from a jaunt to New York City, the land…
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Weekly Fast-Forward: The News Before It Happens
Politics Old-Timer to Regale Children with Tales of Life Before 2012 Presidential Race LANSING, Mich. — Old Man Watkins, a retired machine-parts fabricator from East Lansing, will amaze his grandchildren…
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Sanctions With Ahmadinejad
TEHRAN, IRAN — Greetings from Tehran! No, this isn’t a bearded Jake Gyllenhaal in his newest role. It is I, Mahmoud, live and in the flesh in my private bunker.…
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Andy Purman’s Pity Party
Dear Pity Party, My wife is pregnant with our first son, but we just can’t seem to agree on what to name him! I’m tired of all the arguing. She…
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