Michael Bay Apologizes for Entire Filmography

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LOS ANGELES — Film director Michael Bay released a video statement over YouTube today in which he admits to recently watching his entire filmography for the first time and apologizes for his contribution to the cinematic arts. “Recently, in an interview with the Miami Herald” begins Bay, his face a twisted mask of surprise and bitter recrimination “I apologized for what I…

Brad Paisley Shocked to Learn Confederate Flag Was Designed, Flown by Traitors

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NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Representatives of country star Brad Paisley this week said the singer was “shocked and appalled” after learning that the Confederate flag, a symbol he had viewed with pride and affection, was in fact the flying banner of a treasonous group of rebels who sought to divide the United States of America. “Mr. Paisley had tried to re-appropriate the Confederate…

Wall Street Tycoon Wesley Snipes Released From Prison

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LOS ANGELES – Last week saw Wesley Snipes, one of the world’s most notorious white-collar criminals, released from a federal prison in Pennsylvania. Snipes, known as the “Blade of Wall Street,” was finally caught after almost single-handedly causing America’s economic collapse because he owed $2.7 million in back taxes, according to Forbes.com. He will be confined to his home until July 19—a…

Penguin, Random House Merge to Become World’s Largest Doomed Company

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BRUSSELS  — The European Commission approved on Friday the merger of publishing giants Penguin and Random House, paving the way for the creation of the world’s largest soon-to-be out of business company. The Commission okayed the deal—which cleared US regulatory hurdles earlier this year—after concluding that the new company would not pose any major threats to competition, “since the whole publishing industry…

MTV Mourns Failure to Film Reality Star’s Death

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SISSONVILLE, W.Va. – The Kanawha County Sheriff’s Department confirmed on Monday the death of Shain Gandee, star of the MTV reality show Buckwild. In a released statement, an MTV spokesperson said, “We are shocked and saddened by the terrible news that Shain Gandee died without one of our camera crews present. We are waiting for more information, but at this time, our…

Kris Jenner to open “American Kardashian Place”

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LOS ANGELES — Kris Jenner, matriarch of the famed “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” clan, has announced their newest venture, “American Kardashian Place,” a store for girls and gays of all ages to explore their inner Kim, Khloe or Kourtney through dolls, doll accessories and fashion. The Kardashians have built an empire with their reality show and its spinoffs, their own clothing…