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Entertainment

Trump Calls Cruz ‘True American’; Still Doubts ‘Black Guy’s’ Citizenship

“[Sen. Cruz] is obviously American. Even though his name kinda, sorta sounds Mexican, it also sounds cool. Like Tom Cruise, another fine American,” Trump said.

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Superman, Batman to Play Star-Crossed Lovers in Warner Bros. Rom-Com

“I want this to connect with the audience,” said Snyder, “albeit a very specific audience. But an audience nonetheless.”

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Entertainment

Justin Bieber to Portray Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in Boston Bombing Movie

“Insensitive at best. A disgrace at the worst,” wrote the Hollywood Reporter.

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Entertainment

‘Glee’ Plans to Auto-Tune Actor’s Death into Show

“Mid-season, we could have worked with that – a car crash, or maybe some controversy-bait gun violence – but season premiere? No way. We’re going to have to auto-tune this mess.”

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Entertainment

With Fair Portrayal of Tonto, All Native-American Problems Disappear

Washburn said he was really excited to see how Depp’s self-proclaimed, culturally sensitive, portrayal of the American Indian would affect the fact that 14% of American-Indians’ homes do not have electricity, 20% don’t have modern plumbing, and a whopping 53% do not have telephones.

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Entertainment

NSA to Collaborate with Jay-Z on Next Record

“I can’t believe we didn’t think of that,” said a source from the NSA, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Everybody loves Jay-Z. Sure, it’s totally uncool for a government agency to spy on you, but a rapper? That will give us instant street cred.”

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Entertainment

JLO Performs for Reanimated Corpse of Pol Pot, Was ‘Unaware of Khmer Rouge Human Rights Violations’

When discussing the performance afterwards, Pot said he was “as surprised as everyone else,” adding, “My birthday’s in May, so it wasn’t even necessary.”

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Entertainment

Report: The Big Bang Theory Responsible for Surge in Bully-Related Violence

“Children see the show and suddenly they have to be a nerd,” Meyers said. “More nerds equals more bullying. It’s a real problem.”

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Entertainment

Chris Brown Fans Blame Car for Letting Chris Brown Hit It

“Cars talk mad shit until you step to them. That’s what you get, cars, for hating on #TeamBreezy and my boy @chrisbrown,” said @PrincessBreezy.

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Entertainment

REM Shattered to Learn They Were Responsible for Michael Jackson’s Death

“I loved and respected MJ, he was a true artist,” said lead singer Michael Stipe. “To learn that being deprived of our music drove him to his death has created a gaping hole in my soul. I never knew we meant so much to him. I can't believe how naive I've been.”

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Entertainment

James Gandolfini Cuts to Black

Survivors of Gandolfini include a wife, two children, a pair of sisters and the hope that David Chase will return to television.

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Entertainment

Fresh out the Womb, Kimye Baby Signs Sex-Tape Deal

The infant, born on Saturday, has reportedly agreed to star in “Kimye Baby’s Got Back,” a “leaked” sex-tape scheduled for release on June 20, 2031.

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Entertainment

Broadway’s Tonys Mistaken for Kids’ Choice Awards

“The Tony Awards are wholly separate from the KCAs and no one should confuse the two,” reads one press release. “We are indeed planning on sliming Andrew Lloyd Webber, but that’s the only similarity.”

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Entertainment

Nation Given Three-Day Weekend to Enjoy ‘Arrested Development’

LOS ANGELES – As spring transitions into summer, the nation has been granted a three-day weekend. Authorities in Washington and Hollywood have decided that, considering the rough year we’ve all…

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Entertainment

Brad Pitt Unsure How to Balance Wife Mastectomy News with ‘World War Z’ Press

LOS ANGELES — In the aftermath of actress-director Angelina Jolie’s highly praised reveal that she had a preventative double mastectomy, her partner, actor Brad Pitt, says he admires her courage…

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Entertainment

Amanda Knox Memoir Really Just Vivid Travelogue on Italian Restaurants

NEW YORK – True-crime fans have been surprised to discover that, contrary to expectations, the new memoir from convicted-and-then-acquitted murderer Amanda Knox is naught but a series of eloquent rhapsodies…

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Entertainment

Broadway Goes Green by Recycling

NEW YORK – At the 67th annual Tony Awards nomination ceremony yesterday, the Broadway League declared it will add to the growing conservation movement by ignoring new works and solely…

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Entertainment

Michael Bay Apologizes for Entire Filmography

LOS ANGELES — Film director Michael Bay released a video statement over YouTube today in which he admits to recently watching his entire filmography for the first time and apologizes…

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Entertainment

Brad Paisley Shocked to Learn Confederate Flag Was Designed, Flown by Traitors

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Representatives of country star Brad Paisley this week said the singer was “shocked and appalled” after learning that the Confederate flag, a symbol he had viewed with…

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Entertainment

Wall Street Tycoon Wesley Snipes Released From Prison

LOS ANGELES – Last week saw Wesley Snipes, one of the world’s most notorious white-collar criminals, released from a federal prison in Pennsylvania. Snipes, known as the “Blade of Wall…

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Entertainment

Game of Thrones NYC Exhibit Closes, Fans Disappointed by Lack of Nudity

NEW YORK — Last week, a Game of Thrones exhibit in Manhattan enthralled many fans willing to wait out the long line that extended along 57th street. The exhibit boasted…

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Entertainment

Penguin, Random House Merge to Become World’s Largest Doomed Company

BRUSSELS — The European Commission approved on Friday the merger of publishing giants Penguin and Random House, paving the way for the creation of the world’s largest soon-to-be out of…

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Entertainment

MTV Mourns Failure to Film Reality Star’s Death

SISSONVILLE, W.Va. – The Kanawha County Sheriff’s Department confirmed on Monday the death of Shain Gandee, star of the MTV reality show Buckwild. In a released statement, an MTV spokesperson…

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Entertainment

Kris Jenner to open “American Kardashian Place”

LOS ANGELES — Kris Jenner, matriarch of the famed “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” clan, has announced their newest venture, “American Kardashian Place,” a store for girls and gays of…

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