Celebrities Lobby Congress for Drunk Driving Immunity

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LOS ANGELES – In a press release today, the Screen Actors Guild announced it has hired a team of lobbyists to protect the tradition of celebrity impunity from drunk driving laws. Counsel for SAG has reportedly filed a lawsuit against the state of California, in which the sobriety-challenged celebrities outline a list of perceived infringements on their God-ordained status as elite human…

Progressive Car Insurance Names Amanda Bynes New Spokeswoman

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MAYFIELD VILLAGE, Ohio – Progressive, one of the nation’s largest automobile insurers, has announced that it will massively revamp its marketing strategy in 2013. Among its most notable changes, a publicist said, is that it will enlist teen star and chronic car-totaler Amanda Bynes as its new spokeswoman. Progressive is largely known for its prolific ad campaigns featuring “Flo,” a quirky and…

News Organizations Give Up on Fact-Checking

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NEW YORK – As Internet culture continues to provide new avenues to information, the news industry has been forced to lay off nearly 90% of its fact-checkers, according to a report from media watchdog organization Media Matters. This development comes as no surprise to media insiders. “Honestly, it’s about time we trimmed the fat,” says Fiona Spiegel, an editor for The Huffington…

Comedians Throw Full Support Behind Todd Akin Campaign

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JEFFERSON CITY, — Miss. Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO), best known today for his controversial comments on “legitimate rape” and other unparalleled gaffes, has received an unexpected surge in donations and support. The new vitality of the campaign, however, did not come from staunch Republicans and pro-life activists, as expected. Instead, it seems that a large network of talk shows, news outlets and…

Fox News Unveils Brand New Reality Show Lineup

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NEW YORK – Fox News, the enormously successful organization best known for its “Fair and Balanced” approach and record setting ratings, has announced that all of its popular news programming will soon be replaced by new reality shows. When asked why a thriving organization would make such a surprising decision, President Roger Ailes told reporters, “Look, we have conquered the mountain that…

Genealogists Still Baffled by Unsightly Offspring of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore

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ST. LOUIS — Genealogists at The Genome Institute in St. Louis continue to be befuddled by the unexpectedly brutish faces of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s three daughters. Scientific interest in Rumer, Scout and Tallulah Willis began in the mid-90s, when The Genome Institute used age-progression technology to determine that Tallulah would likely inherit Bruce Willis’s strong jawline and Demi Moore’s original…