Pope to Release Vatican Bloopers DVD

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ROME — Faced with record criticism over his mishandling of sexual abuse allegations against Catholic priests, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI will attempt to mitigate the negativity by releasing a new DVD of hilarious, never-before-seen bloopers from Vatican City. “Cardinal Errors: Volume 1” showcases all of the slips, trips, missteps, and wacky antics that go on behind the stained glass windows at…

Upcoming Happy Madison Production to Star Adam Sandler’s Testicles, Nick Swardson

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NEW YORK — Adam Sandler’s next film will feature the popular comedian’s testicles in a starring role opposite longtime Happy Madison regular Nick Swardson. The feature, tentatively called “He’s Got Some Balls on Him,” centers on a buffoonish janitor who is afflicted with a sudden curse that only allows him to communicate through his testes. Aided by his best friend, played by Swardson,…

CNN to Outsource News to India

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NEW YORK — In an effort to cut costs as well as fend competition from rivals MSNBC and Fox News, the Cable News Network (CNN) has begun outsourcing its news to India. Time Warner executives claim that local Indian broadcast stations are willing to produce compelling stories at a significantly lower cost than American outlets. CNN’s new initiative is projected to save…

Dora The Explorer Caught Smuggling Heroin Into U.S.

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CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico — Unassuming adventurer Dora the Explorer is being held without bail at the Eloy Detention Center after border patrol agents caught the eight-year-old attempting to smuggle over fifty kilos of heroin into the United States. Dora Marquez and her pet monkey Boots were first spotted crossing the Rio Grande on a makeshift raft that contained over $5 million worth…