Rockstar Games to Release “Grand Theft America” With Goldman Banker As Protagonist

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NEW YORK — Rockstar Games announced today the next installment in its popular “Grand Theft Auto” series: “Grand Theft America.” The game will put players in control of a Goldman Sachs employee as he rises through the institution’s ranks. Whereas previous games in the series have centered on drug dealers, pimps, and other lowlifes, Rockstar is hoping to explore a new side…

Newslo Declares War on The Onion

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NEW YORK — Newslo, the first purely democratic source for breaking news, is formally at war with dictatorial and monopolizing newsgroup, The Onion. In a statement from Roger Arkin, Press Secretary for Newslo, the site announced a preemptive strike on The Onion after Newslo’s intelligence department discovered The Onion’s plan for an attempted Internet takeover. Arkin explained that The Onion has “slowly,…