Start Spreading The News: Your Essential New York Reading List
For many people, the prospect of a vacation has been on hold for a while – but that doesn’t mean we can’t plan. A little bit of Covid-19 isolation can’t…
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Newslo, your number 1 source for New York satire and political humor. Newslo writes satirical articles satirizing New York politics and news. Everything from Mayor Bloomberg to an intern trafficking ring.
NYPD Busts Intern Trafficking Ring- NEW YORK — NYPD Detectives raided Soho public-relations firm FaceWise and discovered a brutal intern trafficking ring that included over two dozen individuals locked in a series of walk-in supply closets. The interns were found gagged, sitting Indian style, with little to no hope they would be hired. “I looked through the cracks of the closet and saw 10 to 12 beady eyes staring back at me,” says Special Agent
Bloomberg Caught Strapping Dynamite to Verrazzano Bridge to Cut Off Staten Island — NEW YORK — Commuters along the Verrazzano-Narrows bridge yesterday morning were shocked to find NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg dangling below from a bungee-cord, duct-taping bricks of dynamite to the pilings in an attempt to sever the only physical tie Staten Island has to New York City. “I’m blowin’ this shit up!” the mayor called out to the throng of witnesses gathered above, who were thrilled with news.
Rep. Tom Reed Suggests Increasing Military Budget “So The Poor Can Feel Safe And Stop Stealing Our Money For Their Health”
“Donald Trump is trying to help America, only unlike Barack Obama, he actually cares about what happens to all of its citizens and not just the poor”
Giuliani: “10% Of Our Black Population Is Jailed And Soon 100% Of Our Former Black President Will Join Them”
Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani will say pretty much anything to try and discredit Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton. His latest attack goes so far as to evoke…
Franklin Graham: “NY Bombing Is God’s Way Of Intervening Just In Time To Save America From Hillary”
Evangelist Franklin Graham responded to explosions in New York City and New Jersey and a stabbing incident at a Minnesota mall, saying the next president “needs to be someone who…
Ted Cruz’s Yiddish Ad Calls To Vote For Him Because His “Meshugene Tuches Was Chosen By Jesus”
Both Republican and Democratic candidates have been courting Jewish voters ahead of Tuesday’s New York primary vote, looking for an edge in competitive districts with large Jewish populations. Orthodox Jews,…
De Blasio Announces White House Bid; Clinton, Republicans Struggle to Respond
Donald Trump told Fox & Friends this morning that if elected, de Blasio will turn the country into “one big marijuana village with no police force.”
Mayim Bialik Spends Holiday With Ex: “The Meaning Of Jewish Passover Really Is To Suffer For Your Kids”
“Part of being a good parent is putting your children’s needs and wishes before your own”
Rudi Giuliani: “For Obama, America Is The Same As Michelle – No Love, But No Other Option”
I can think of 6,999,999,999 people on this planet who could do a better job as President
Police Chief: “I Shot My Wife In My Sleep, Dreamed She Was Bill De Blasio”
“I could have sworn I was in New York City and was on my way to meet that prick of a mayor”
NYPD: “We Only Arrest White People Now – No Crime, No Work, No Danger”
“If the people start noticing a decrease in crime in NYC, they’ll know it’s because the NYPD has stopped arresting blacks altogether”
NYPD Offers Free Abortions as Part of New Community Outreach Program
"The fact is that it's a simple misunderstanding. As part of our attempt to build stronger relations with the community, we've begun offering free abortions to women who couldn't afford them otherwise."
Michael Bloomberg Regains Control of Company for Another Term, Renames It ‘Newer York City’
Bloomberg, who has opted against reclaiming the title of chief in favor of “mayor” of the company, is expected to enact sweeping changes at the company.
NYPD’s Stop-and-Frisk Amended, Now Stop-and-Kill Black Males
A source told Newslo that the initiative was originally called "Kill, Just Kill," but was later changed so as to better reflect the program's mission: "Keeping You Safe by Killing Just a Few of You."
Soda Ban a Bust, NYC Turns Attention to Forcing Kale Consumption
"I can't anticipate anyone having a problem with this, anyway. Who doesn't love avocado kale ice cream?"
China’s Replica of the Bronx Looks Like Crap, but so Does the Bronx
"The Bronx is famous for looking like a city someone started building, but then decided instead to drop it into a vat of hot acid,” says Xin.
Conspiracy Theorists See Cover-up in 9/11 Museum’s Removal of Commemorative Cheese Plate
Independent research from a non-governmental agency indicates that consumption of this blue cheese before bed is associated with especially outlandish dreams.
NYPD: We Don’t Spy on Muslims; We Force Muslims to Spy on Muslims
“It’s great community outreach, any way you look at it,” added Finley.
Drunken Cops Livening Up NYC with Jaunty Shootings
It's been a jaunty, fun-filled week in New York City, where cops have been entertaining the normally bored masses with a series of drunken shootings.
Rep. Grimm: My Federal Indictment Will Help Me Relate to My Constituents
I know, I know. You’ve seen the headlines. You know I’m in a bit of a pickle over here.
Members of NYPD’s Demographics Unit Find Islam After Spying on Muslims
Kelly claims that the information gleaned by informants known as “mosque crawlers,” who surveilled religious sermons for the department, completely changed his thinking on Islam.
Court Bans Teaching of Facts in New York’s Sunday Schools
“But at the same time, you can’t be bringing in science and reason into a church or a Sunday school.”
Trump Nixes Run for N.Y. Governor, Fears Negative Comparison with Intelligent Human Opponent
ALBANY, N.Y. – Donald Trump took to the Twitterverse this week to announce that he would not be running for governor of New York, citing his fear of “competing against…
Republican Worried Corruption Trial Will Implicate Too Many Republicans; Asks for Delay Until After Elections
“There isn’t a Republican official alive who won’t be sent to prison if my trial moves forward.
Mayor de Blasio Offers Full-Body Scanner Option in Place of Stop-and-Frisk
“No longer will we allow our African-American and Latino populations to be awkwardly groped and caressed by the meaty paws of a middle-aged, white cop with an axe to grind."