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NYPD: “We Only Arrest White People Now – No Crime, No Work, No Danger”

“If the people start noticing a decrease in crime in NYC, they’ll know it’s because the NYPD has stopped arresting blacks altogether”

NYPD Offers Free Abortions as Part of New Community Outreach Program

"The fact is that it's a simple misunderstanding. As part of our attempt to build stronger relations with the community, we've begun offering free abortions to women who couldn't afford them otherwise."

Michael Bloomberg Regains Control of Company for Another Term, Renames It ‘Newer York City’

Bloomberg, who has opted against reclaiming the title of chief in favor of “mayor” of the company, is expected to enact sweeping changes at the company.

NYPD’s Stop-and-Frisk Amended, Now Stop-and-Kill Black Males

A source told Newslo that the initiative was originally called "Kill, Just Kill," but was later changed so as to better reflect the program's mission: "Keeping You Safe by Killing Just a Few of You."

Soda Ban a Bust, NYC Turns Attention to Forcing Kale Consumption

"I can't anticipate anyone having a problem with this, anyway. Who doesn't love avocado kale ice cream?"

China’s Replica of the Bronx Looks Like Crap, but so Does the Bronx

"The Bronx is famous for looking like a city someone started building, but then decided instead to drop it into a vat of hot acid,” says Xin.

Conspiracy Theorists See Cover-up in 9/11 Museum’s Removal of Commemorative Cheese Plate

Independent research from a non-governmental agency indicates that consumption of this blue cheese before bed is associated with especially outlandish dreams.

NYPD: We Don’t Spy on Muslims; We Force Muslims to Spy on Muslims

“It’s great community outreach, any way you look at it,” added Finley.