Bloomberg said he was especially proud that the Denny’s was applying for a full liquor license.
“This is the worst thing to ever happen in New York City history.” Said recent NYC transplant and Australian native, Danny Gutiero, “I can’t believe any of us survived.”
“We’ve felt for some time that our boneless wings appetizer alone was worth $100, combine that with an entrée like our riblet basket or creamy parmesan chicken and top it off with a triple chocolate meltdown and the new price point became obvious.”
Sources revealed that a similar bill is in the works that will effectively ban all decaffeinated beverages, non-alcoholic beers, and mocktails.
“With statistics like these,” said The Dude, “Pi Delta Psi should have no trouble recruiting a new crop of pledges who know how to keep their mouths shut,” if and when the college reinstates their privileges.
ASTORIA, N.Y. — The neighborhood board of Astoria, Queens, has voted to enact measures to maintain the neighborhood’s standing as the diverse melting pot that it once was – by keeping twenty-something hipsters out. Over the past few years, as areas like Brooklyn’s Williamsburg, Bushwick, and DUMBO have become overrun with long-haired, bearded, wire-rim-glasses-wearing, Pitchfork-reading liberal arts graduates. Longtime residents of these…
“And like all of the finest art,” said Jerry Wolkoff. “The 5 Pointz Condos can only be enjoyed by the upper class.”
As of press time, the DeBlasio campaign victory party has still been in full swing since Columbus Day.
One source did confirm that both Bloomberg and Ray Kelly voted for the current mayor as a write-in candidate, but they were not optimistic about his chances.
“My officers can’t possibly be expected to protect and serve them all equally.”
“This way,” Lee said, “once they’re inside, we’ll know for sure what they can and can’t afford, and we won’t be forced to racially profile them.”
LhoBlasio was quick to point out that he did not blame the liberal media for making these claims, saying “I love the liberal media, and all things liberal, because I’m a liberal Redemocrat in the greatest liberal city in the world.
“He may not know it, but Bill de Blasio is about five percentage points away from being accused of supporting al Qaeda.”
“If I hadn’t been shot, the ambulance might not have come to rescue me, and I might still be wandering around Times Square, being harassed by guys trying to sell me airbrushed paintings of Al Pacino characters,” the first victim said.
“Yes Sir,” he added. “If you’re gonna get your freak on but want to stay in politics, you need to be a Republican.”
“Chris would have stopped the trains for the kitties,” said Christine Quinn’s campaign. “This is because our candidate supports all New York kittizens, as well as their right to choose.”
Anthony Weiner making it easy……
“We are heartbroken that another innocent life was cut down by a senseless act of violence. The young victim had at least ten years before he would have been marginalized by society or killed in a shooting that nobody paid any attention to,” lamented a reporter from New York’s WABC.
“Naysayers just need to look at the plan through beer goggles at 2 a.m.,” said Janette Sadik-Kah, commissioner of the city’s Department of Transportation. “I promise,” she added, “It all makes sense after three or four Long Islands
Scandal-plagued New York mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner has refused to respond to rumors that a recently deleted profile on the popular hook-up app Tinder belongs to him.
“There is old saying that there is no teacher like experience,” Trump continued. “And by being exposed to the classiest, A-1, top-notch fraud around, Trump University students are taught a lesson they won’t soon forget.”
At a press conference detailing the largest gun bust in the history of New York City, Mayor Bloomberg was delighted to describe how the whole thing had come about thanks to Instagram.
“Still,” noted Bloomberg, “for the obvious reasons, I would ask that Booker be patted down before he entered my house.”
“I saw Bloomberg in Battery Park,” said Andrew Lane, 27. “He was guzzling Mountain Dew from a 72-ounce jug, laughing maniacally and pouring it all over his body.