Coffee Cooler Mistaken For Gatorade Cooler

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EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — New York Jets players accidently grabbed a coffee samovar instead of the Gatorade cooler last Monday night, dumping 30 gallons of scalding-hot java on coach Rex Ryan, who is currently undergoing rehabilitation at Cedars-Sinai Hospital. Elated after an overtime field-goal propelled the Jets to a 12-11 victory over the Tennessee Titans, quarterback Mark Sanchez and the offensive line…

Tebow Confesses to Fascination With Grass

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EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. — Tim Tebow revealed in a press conference yesterday that his signature one-knee stance we have come to know as “Tebowing” is not a personal shout-out to God but rather just a deep, profound fascination with grass. “It’s just so green,” he told reporters outside Newark Airport. “And I don’t understand how it grows upward. Seems like something would…

Replacement NFL Referees Review Third Down Play, Overturn Citizens United

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CHARLOTTE, N.C. — After nearly ten minutes of review following a critical third down play that was originally ruled a fumble on Panthers running back Deangelo Williams, referee Jim Core announced to a confused stadium that the Citizens United ruling of 2010 was, in fact, unconstitutional. Core delivered the majority opinion, stating, “After further review, the ruling on the field has been…

Agent to Make Stephen Strasburg Cryogenically Freeze Right Arm Until Spring Training

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — Two weeks after the Washington Nationals officially shut down their perfectly healthy ace pitcher in the midst of a pennant race, Stephen Strasburg’s agent Scott Boras and Nats GM Mike Rizzo has now successfully lobbied with Nats manager Davey Johnson to force Strasburg to cryogenically freeze his arm until spring training. “Safety is our number one concern here,” Boras…