“Who needs it? My iPhone died on my way to my sister’s wedding. I was using its GPS and I had no directions,” says former iPhone battery hater Jennifer Caldwelle.
“I’ve heard that Cameron was weeping into a glass of champagne when he suddenly came up with a way to upset every adult in the country with one fell swoop. I have to hand it to him, if that’s his intention, the man’s a genius.”
Federal and state investigators are still looking into the Williams-McDonnell gifts, though they will surely stop once they hear he’s sorry.
“I want this to connect with the audience,” said Snyder, “albeit a very specific audience. But an audience nonetheless.”
The dolphins’ favorite insults reportedly include “Carp Cunt,” “Clogged Blowhole,” and, reserved for the lowest of the low, “Fish.”
“I think your page is stupid and nothing you post is remotely true. I think you are worse than FOX news when you post such trash.”
Twice-divorced Republican stalwart Newt Gingrich shrugged off the protests, saying “The gays are still in the Honeymoon period with the whole marriage thing. It’ll pass.”