Apple Strudel® Unveils New iPastry 5

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PALO ALTO, Calif. — Apple Strudel, Inc. CEO Tim Cookie held a press conference over the weekend to announce the release date of the highly-anticipated iPastry 5 – the latest in the company’s popular iPastry series which features larger breadcrumbs, a thin, sleek pastry jacket and unprecedented access to the apple cinnamon-raisin filling. “This is the future of baked goods” Cookie said…

Facebook Friend Constantly Backpacking Through Europe Finally Dies in Sudden Avalanche

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OBERHALBSTEIN ALPS, Switzerland — Your Facebook friend who has been relentlessly posting obnoxious pictures of their never-ending backpacking tour through Europe thankfully died in a rare, isolated avalanche near the Splügen Pass yesterday, according to Reuters. The victim, with whom you shared a few classes in college and who was barely an acquaintance, has been polluting your news feed for years with…

New Orleans Braces For Asteroid

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NEW ORLEANS, LA — New Orleans is making provisions for yet another disaster as reports from NASA surfaced this week that claim a 17-Thetis asteroid broke from Neptune’s Trojan orbit and will strike the tremendously unlucky city sometime next week. The asteroid, though relatively small by astronomical standards, is expected to virtually demolish the Crescent City in one demonstrative, fatal smack down.…