WH Spokeswoman Hope Hicks: “President Trump Has A Magnetic Personality That Can Help U.S. To Find Precious Metals And Be Great Again”

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The absence of communications director Michael Dubke might already be impacting the White House because the statements coming out of the press office seem a little off. In fact, some online critics are mocking a newly released statement as a “parody” that looks like something President Donald Trump would write about himself. “President Trump has a magnetic personality and exudes positive energy,…

Alabama Makes It Illegal To Remove Confederate Monuments: “Slavery Is Part of Our Great History And No One Can Decidedly Say It Should Be Banned”

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The new law attempts to preserve history by making it illegal to remove monuments that have been in place for more than 40 years. The Alabama Memorial Preservation Act of 2017, signed into law Wednesday by Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey (R), protects historical Confederate monuments which have come under fire in recent weeks by Democratic politicians. The new legislation prohibits “the relocation,…

Trump Demands Americans To “Start Paying A Voluntary 35% Tax” On Imported Cars In Order To “Fight The Bad, Very Bad Germans”

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President Donald Trump is ready to fight Germany in an auto battle according to Germany’s Der Spiegel. Trump got a chilly reception at the NATO summit in Belgium after attacking fellow members. But he was caught pledging a battle with German automakers as part of his anger with “back dues” he feels the country owes to NATO. As CNN’s Jake Tapper noted…

Flynn To Plead The 5th: “Unlike Me, Hillary’s Plead Was Unnecessary Because She Meant To Lie Like Women Always Do”

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Former Trump National Security Adviser Michael Flynn plans to ignore the subpoena issued by the Senate Intelligence Committee and will cite his Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination. Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman Richard Burr (R-NC) said last week that Flynn had not yet complied with the Senate’s subpoena, and added that he didn’t expect Flynn to agree to testify under oath. Flynn asked…

Trump’s Top Scientist Pick: “Scientists Are Just Dumb Regular People That Think Dinosaurs Existed And The Earth Is Getting Warmer”

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The research section of the USDA studies everything from nutrition to climate change, and according to the 2008 Farm Bill the “chief scientist” is supposed to be the leader “among distinguished scientists with specialized or significant experience in agricultural research, education and economics.” President Donald Trump’s pick, Sam Clovis, doesn’t seem to have any of those credentials. He has never taken science…

Sarah Huckabee Blames Clinton For Comey’s Removal: “If She’d Confessed, He Wouldn’t Have Had To Commit All Those Atrocities Against Her”

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White House Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders asserted on Wednesday that President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey because he committed “atrocities” against Hillary Clinton. While standing in for Press Secretary Sean Spicer at Wednesday’s press briefing, Sanders was grilled by reporters who clearly weren’t buying Trump’s excuse for firing Comey. “Director Comey has shown over the last several months…

Reince Priebus: “Older People Should Pay 5 Times More Because They’re 5 Times As Sick”

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Appearing on Fox News Sunday, White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus fended off host Chris Wallace who continually pointed out that the American Health Care Act (ACHA) passed by the GOP-majority House fell far short of President Donald Trump’s campaign promises that no one would lose their insurance. According to Priebus, what came through the House is not representative of what…

Mark Green: “Giving Poor People Free Food Robs The Church Of Its Right To Force Them To Get Closer To Jesus”

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Mark Green, a Republican state senator from Tennessee who is President Donald Trump’s pick to be army secretary, once told a church group that he opposed universal health care because it makes people less likely to embrace Christianity. As the Washington Examiner reports, Green said in 2015 that it should be the Christian church’s role to help provide sick people with health…