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932 posts

Newslo, The Least Trusted Name In News, Your #1 source for political humor and satire.
Teach The Controversy Bill Allows Teachers to Teach “Pretty Much Whatever They Feel Like”
Texas Board of Education Revises Textbooks: Slaves were “Unpaid Interns”-DALLAS — The Texas Board of Education has drawn scrutiny in recent years for its efforts to revise its curriculum to favor more conservative-friendly versions of history and science. After revising textbooks last year to emphasize Christian influences on the Founding Fathers and introduce Intelligent Design to biology classes, the Board voted nine to zero today to change official nomenclature regarding slavery. In Texas, students will now be taught that slaves were not kidnapped and exploited against their will, but were actually “unpaid interns.”

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Chicago School District Bans Wealthy Students From Attending Class In Order to Level Playing Field

  • December 5, 2012
  • News Lo
CHICAGO — In an unprecedented attempt to fix America’s education system, the Chicago school district has banned all students from families making more than $27,000 a year from attending class.…
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Evangelicals Urge Uganda to Downgrade ‘Kill the Gays’ Bill to ‘Maim the Gays’

  • December 3, 2012
  • News Lo
LAKE FOREST, Calif. — A group of influential evangelical leaders held a joint press conference today at Saddleback Church, home of uber-evangelical phenom Rick Warren, to urge the Ugandan Parliament…
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Walmart Heiress Buys “Employee Healthcare” for the Holidays

  • December 3, 2012
  • News Lo
HENDERSON, Nev. — While completing shopping for the holiday season, Wal-Mart heiress and billionaire Nancy Walton Laurie personally spent millions on “Employee Healthcare,” an extravagant, spitefully-named mega-yacht purchased for herself.…
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Entire State of Texas Attempts to Run Away

  • November 29, 2012
  • News Lo
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DALLAS — Last week, after numerous threats of secession, thousands of Texans were discovered writing passive-aggressive goodbye notes and filling backpacks with non-perishable food items. Federal officials assure that the…
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Exciting Discovery by NASA Rover Revealed to Be More Fucking Space Dust

  • November 29, 2012
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON — Citizens of the United States have once again gotten their big, stupid hopes up just to have them smashed into tiny pieces by the federally-funded cocktease we call…
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Americans Lacking Basic Understanding of Probability Disappointed by Powerball Results

  • November 29, 2012
  • News Lo
Lottery-Shutterstock
TAMPA BAY, Fla. – Thousands of Americans lacking a rudimentary understanding of probability and statistics had their dreams crushed on Wednesday night after learning they hadn’t won Powerball’s record $579 million…
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States Use Federal Website to Politely Request Permission to Secede from Union

  • November 26, 2012
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON — A new secession fad has been sweeping the nation, as residents in all fifty U.S. states have now filed proposals to break with the federal government, each utilizing…
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Internet Perverts Disappointed to Learn True Definition of “Cyber Monday”

  • November 26, 2012
  • News Lo
NEW YORK — Perverts across the nation were let down by the Internet for the first time ever this week when they discovered the true meaning of the term “Cyber…
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Ghost of Paula Deen Teaches Vegetarian the True Meaning of Thanksgiving

  • November 21, 2012
  • News Lo
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MINNEAPOLIS — According to local vegetarian Tim Gunderson, the ghost of still-living Food Network chef and butter aficionado Paula Deen visited him last night to show Gunderson the true meaning…
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Cocaine, Adderall Sales to Skyrocket as Users Try to Drop Thanksgiving Weight

  • November 21, 2012
  • News Lo
drugs
NEW YORK — Cocaine and Adderall dealers across the country are reporting huge increases in sales during Thanksgiving week as users look for a quick way to combat weight-gain after…
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Legalization of Marijuana Leads to Boom in Local Businesses, Burden for Corporations

  • November 21, 2012
  • News Lo
DENVER — Just two weeks after the legalization of marijuana in Washington and Colorado, significant effects have been seen statewide. Colorado representatives confirm that legalized possession and consumption has lead…
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Playboy Yet To Offer Petraeus Million Dollar Exclusive Spread

  • November 21, 2012
  • News Lo
patraeus-affair
WASHINGTON — In the wake of an infidelity scandal that has rocked the nation and marred the start of President Obama’s second term in office, former United States General and…
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Philadelphia Cuts Out Middle Man, Converts Failing Schools into Prisons

  • November 19, 2012
  • News Lo
PHILADELPHIA — Philadelphia lawmakers have introduced a new series of standardized tests for ninth-grade students in order to determine which public high schools are performing adequately and which would better…
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Angsty Upper Middle Class Teen Can’t Find One Thing to Be Thankful For

  • November 19, 2012
  • News Lo
SCARSDALE, N.Y. — Sources indicate that Richie Bell, a 16-year-old resident of Westchester County, will likely spend Thanksgiving considering his many blessings and systematically attempting to discredit them. Although Bell…
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Fifteen Percent of Homosexual Agenda Now Realized

  • November 12, 2012
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON — With voters in Maine, Maryland, and Washington voting to legalize gay marriage, exactly 15 percent of the homosexual agenda has now been realized. After more than thirty straight…
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Eco-conscious Monsanto Unveils “Artisanal” Strain of Deathly Pesticide DDT

  • November 12, 2012
  • News Lo
ST. LOUIS — Looking to take advantage of growing environmentalist movements, chemical giant Monsanto has announced that the re-release of long-banned pesticide DDT. The notorious pesticide will be available on…
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Political Facebook Users Unsure What To Post After Election

  • November 7, 2012
  • News Lo
MENLO PARK, Calif. — In a last-minute scramble before the election results came in, millions of Facebook idiots were trying to figure out what to post as a status once…
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The NRA Announces New “Guns for Girls” Program

  • November 7, 2012
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON — Citing a lack of advocacy or interest toward domestic abuse and violence against women, President of the NRA, David Keene announced the introduction of a new “Guns for…
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Economists Baffled by $5 Cupcake Fad During Crippling Recession

  • November 1, 2012
  • News Lo
NEW YORK — America is still recovering from its worst economic recession in almost a century, but that has not stopped the thriving fad of $5 cupcakes. While discretionary spending…
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Congress to LGBT Community: “It Gets Better When You’re Voting Age… Maybe”

  • October 29, 2012
  • News Lo
WASHINGTON – A statement from the House of Representatives this morning addressed young LGBT individuals around the country in a bizarre spin on Dan Savage’s widely embraced “It Gets Better”…
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Small Business Owners Cited in Stump Speeches Reveal Candidates’ Lies: “They never said those things to me”

  • October 29, 2012
  • News Lo
JOLIET, Ill. — Deborah Carpenter, founder and owner of a chain of local convenience stores, has called out presidential candidate Mitt Romney for misrepresenting their brief conversation at a recent…
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Oh Sharia Law, Where Art Thou

  • October 29, 2012
  • News Lo
Protest-conservative
ANTIGO, Wis. – Self-described movie buff Nick Canefield, 27, has been waiting on the release of “Sharia Law” for years, believing that it sounds like a better version of I…
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Alumni of Abstinence Only Education Either Parents or Liars

  • October 29, 2012
  • News Lo
JACKSON, Miss. — With one of the highest rates of teen pregnancies in the nation, Mississippi public schools fervently defend their state’s standard of abstinence-only sex education. 19-year-old Maggie Joslin…
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Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

  • October 24, 2012
  • News Lo
GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have…
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