NRA: Crazed Shooters Will Eventually Tire Themselves Out

BROOKFIELD, Wis. — In the wake of tragic shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin there’s been a lot of talk about the need to pass new gun control laws, particularly those meant to restrict private citizens from possessing automatic weapons, high capacity magazines, and surface-to-air missiles. But the National Rifle Association (NRA) denies that restricting firearms ownership is the solution. Instead, the pro-gun…

Nobel Committee to Award Peace Prize to Nobel Peace Prize Committee

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OSLO, Norway – The Nobel Peace Prize Committee will reportedly award the next Peace Prize to itself, according to the Oslo Ledger. The news is relatively unsurprising given the committee’s recent bewildering choices. The awards bestowed unto President Barack Obama, politician and activist Al Gore, former President Jimmy Carter, and the most recent recipient, the European Union, have all sparked great controversy.…

Seattle Public Schools Order Teachers to Stop Making Money

SEATTLE — “Don’t worry, I don’t work on commission,” Best Buy employees explain with the same detached sincerity that pick-up artists use to convince their victims they are, in fact, not rapists. Best Buy hoped that by removing the financial incentive for employees to sell products, it would help alleviate the “hard sells” and pushy sales tactics that consumers have been complaining about…

“MTV Cribs: Backpage.com’s Jim Larkin” — The House That Human Trafficking Built

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PHOENIX – A special edition of the popular MTV program “Cribs” has gone inside the home of Jim Larkin, co-owner of the controversial classifieds site, Backpage.com. Despite myriad reports of prostitution and human trafficking advertisements on the site – often involving minors — Backpage.com has earned Larkin millions and allowed him to live a life usually reserved for top-tier celebrities and Fortune…

Political Correctness Politically Incorrect

BERKLEY, Calif. – In a surprising move, the linguistics department faculty at UC-Berkley has unanimously decided that political correctness is, in fact, politically incorrect. The faculty statement said that deciding what words could and could not be used was akin to linguistic racism, and that the practice should be abolished. The department also stated that it could not in good consciousness discriminate…

American Airlines Banking on “We’re Pretty Much Fucked, But Fly Us Anyway” Platform

NEW YORK — American Airlines recently announced a bold new campaign that acknowledges to its customers that, as a company, they’re “pretty much fucked.” The ailing airline, in bankruptcy protection since last November, hopes that by appealing to its customers’ pity, they will be able to recover their business while no longer bothering to solve their myriad problems. “We’re sending a message…

Scientist Proposes Compromise ‘Semi-Intelligent Design’ Hypothesis

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BELFAST, Maine — Dr. Aaron Hopkins claims to have resolved the dispute between proponents of creationism and scientific evolution by advancing his “theory of semi-intelligent design.” According to Hopkins, highly evolved intelligent life is the result of a powerful creator who did his very best despite not being all that smart. For over a century, religious advocates have argued that Darwin’s concept…

Koch Brothers Re-appropriate “Stop Snitchin’” Campaign

WICHITA, Kansas — For industrial magnates Charles and David Koch, using their wealth to influence public opinion on anthropogenic global warming and the environmental impact of petroleum-based industry is nothing new. But now the Koch brothers are experimenting with a new tactic by collaborating with rapper Cam’ron. The brothers’ latest scheme involves Cam’ron’s 2004 “Stop Snitchin’” campaign, which urged Baltimore residents to…

Libertarian at State University Can’t See the Irony in That

SEATTLE — University of Washington freshman and self-described libertarian Adam Meyers reported Wednesday that, no, he does not see any irony in that. Although he receives thousands of dollars in financial aid and federally-backed Pell grants to attend his state-subsidized university, Meyers insists – without the slightest hint of self-awareness – that the government needs to stay out of the pockets of…

Teen Sues Facebook, Claims “Like” Button Ended Friendship

WINONA, Mich. — 17-year-old Sara Watkins has filed suit against popular social network Facebook for personal damages, after the collapse of her relationship with former BFF Michaela Karem. Watkins cites Facebook’s “like” feature as the cause of the friendship’s demise. On Friday, September 21, Karem took to Facebook to relay the sad news of her beloved Yorkshire terrier’s death after a three-year…

Report: Credit Card Not Free Money

AGOURA HILLS, Calif. — Cal State Northridge grad-student Derek Zithfvelt was appalled to discover the little plastic card he has been toting around in his wallet to use for expenses such as food, coffee, gas, and clothes was not free money but actually a credit-borrowing program designed to build consumer debt and benefit big banks through calculated interest. “I had no idea,”…

Monsanto Begins Harvesting Farmers

ST. LOUIS, MO — As farmers prepare for the height of corn harvesting season this October, they do so in the midst of alarming new concerns about their crop. The recent streak of farmer disappearances throughout the Midwest is now being linked to a corn variety produced by the oft-maligned agribusiness behemoth Monsanto. Corn variety NK603, it seems, has begun to harvest…

Delaware Legalizes Marriage Between Corporate Persons

DOVER, Del.—Corporate persons in Delaware are rejoicing today after Governor Jack Markell signed a bill officially recognizing marriage between corporations. “For too long corporations have been treated like second class citizens,” said Amy Haggardy, spokesperson for Corporations for Marriage Equality, on the steps of the Delaware statehouse. “Worse, in fact! They’ve been treated like gay citizens. But today Delaware makes history by…

Teach The Controversy Bill Allows Teachers to Teach “Pretty Much Whatever They Feel Like”

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A newly constructed high school in the Metropolitan Nashville Public Schools district is the first public school in the United States to embrace the Discovery Institute’s “Teach the Controversy” philosophy in its curriculum. While “Teach the Controversy” campaigners typically only challenge biology-related concepts that undermine the theory of evolution, Kirk Cameron High School’s new approach empowers teachers to teach…

California Becomes First State to Ban Celebrity Marriage

LOS ANGELES — An overwhelming number of California voters gave a resounding “No” to celebrity marriage on Tuesday, making it the first state to outright ban the practice. Family First’s spokesman Charles West released a statement saying, “The astronomical divorce rates among celebrities compromises the sanctity of marriage that God left us to enforce.” “God created marriage for man and woman, not…

Apple Strudel® Unveils New iPastry 5

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Apple Strudel, Inc. CEO Tim Cookie held a press conference over the weekend to announce the release date of the highly-anticipated iPastry 5 – the latest in the company’s popular iPastry series which features larger breadcrumbs, a thin, sleek pastry jacket and unprecedented access to the apple cinnamon-raisin filling. “This is the future of baked goods” Cookie said…

Facebook Friend Constantly Backpacking Through Europe Finally Dies in Sudden Avalanche

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OBERHALBSTEIN ALPS, Switzerland — Your Facebook friend who has been relentlessly posting obnoxious pictures of their never-ending backpacking tour through Europe thankfully died in a rare, isolated avalanche near the Splügen Pass yesterday, according to Reuters. The victim, with whom you shared a few classes in college and who was barely an acquaintance, has been polluting your news feed for years with…

New Orleans Braces For Asteroid

NEW ORLEANS, LA — New Orleans is making provisions for yet another disaster as reports from NASA surfaced this week that claim a 17-Thetis asteroid broke from Neptune’s Trojan orbit and will strike the tremendously unlucky city sometime next week. The asteroid, though relatively small by astronomical standards, is expected to virtually demolish the Crescent City in one demonstrative, fatal smack down.…