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Election of New Pope Marred by “Faulty Voting Machines”

VATICAN CITY — Cardinal Jorge Mario Borgeglio of Argentina was elected Pope this week in an election marred by faulty voting machines, according to cardinals who were present. “It’s truly…

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North Korea Declares 1953 Invalid

PYONGYANG — In a stunning move, the government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (commonly known as North Korea) announced today that the entire year of 1953 never happened.…

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Pontiff-Palooza Final Four Predictions!

Africa: Cardinal Peter Turkson (Ghana) After fending off a surprising run by an unnamed African Woman, Cardinal Turkson emerged with the upper hand in the token African bracket. Because come…

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Absence of Gaza Craigslist a “Roadblock to Peace,” Casual Encounters

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip — Hamas today expressed outrage at Craigslist’s unwillingness to maintain a local site for their Gaza territory, calling it “a roadblock to peace in the Middle…

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China Beats Texas to the Punch, Executes Prisoners on TV

BEJING — In what is being hailed as a brilliant stroke of international gamesmanship reminiscent of the Space Race, the Chinese government has become the first to televise the execution…

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God’s Latest Warning Shot to Miss Earth by 604,500 Miles on Saturday

OUTER SPACE — The 262-foot wide asteroid that The Lord God in Heaven has shot across our planet’s bow as a warning to all mankind to turn from our lives…

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Venezuela to Make Peaceful Transition into Anarchy

CARACAS – Venezuela came to a halt this week as millions of citizens mourned the loss of their longtime leader, Huge Chavez, whose death marked the beginning of a peaceful…

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Dennis Rodman-Kim Jong-un Friendship Based on Mutual Love of Denying Reality

WASHINGTON — Following his high-profile visit with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, Dennis Rodman has confirmed that the two men have founded a caring, platonic relationship based on disregarding what…

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Billionaire Calls Titanic II an “Unsinkable Idea”

SYDNEY, Australia — Almost a year to the day since announcing his ambitions to rebuild the ill-fated RMS Titanic, Australian billionaire Clive Palmer has unveiled the blueprints for the star-crossed…

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Fidel Castro Stages Coup in Hospice

HAVANA — Despite his declining health, communist revolutionary and Cuban leader Fidel Castro has managed to overthrow management and staff at the hospice in which he resides, promising to install…

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Congo Remains Largely Unaffected by Horse Meat Scandal

KINSHASA, Congo — In spite of an ongoing scandal in Europe, in which foods sold as containing beef and pork were found to be made largely from horse meat, President…

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France Surrenders to Malian Rebels despite Clear Victory

PARIS — Following a military intervention into Mali that proved much easier than initially projected, former French President François Hollande announced his country’s unequivocal surrender to the same Islamist rebels…

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Syrian Civil War Causes Flight Delays at Damascus’ Airport

DAMASCUS — The heavy bombardment of targets near Damascus International Airport by Syrian warplanes this week has led to major travel delays for Westerners seeking to return home from their…

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God Bummed At Losing Only Pen-Pal

HEAVEN – With the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI at the end of February, The Lord God Almighty is once again dreading the coming isolation thrust upon Him as the…

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Pope to Lobby for NAMBLA

VATICAN CITY — NAMBLA has announced the hiring of recently retired Pope, and former Hitler Youth member, Joseph Ratzinger, as their Chief Lobbyist. “Joe’s tired of the anti-pedophile lobby and…

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North Korea Claims to Have Fought and Won World War III

PYONGYANG — Just days after their test of a nuclear bomb drew harsh words and condemnation from allies and perceived enemies alike, North Korea announced that the rouge nation had,…

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Wrestling to be Replaced with New Gay Sport

LAUSANNE, Switzerland –- The announcement from the International Olympic Committee (IOC) that beginning in 2020, wrestling will no longer be included in the Olympics, has caused such a backlash from…

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Niger, Burundi Send Aid to Carnival Cruise Line Passengers

MOBILE, Ala. – Citizens of Niger and Burundi, the second and third poorest countries in the world have banded together to send CARE packages and relief assistance to passengers stranded…

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U.S Refuses to Help in Timbuktu; Does Not Believe It’s a Real Place

TIMBUKTU, Mali — As African and French forces fight al-Qaeda in and around Timbuktu, Mali, the U.S has refused to lend support to a “place that doesn’t even exist.” Secretary…

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Google Maps North Korean Gulags, Fails to Highlight Escape Routes

PYONGYANG — In an historic move, Google has finally documented the villages, highways, and prison camps of the world’s most secretive nation, but somehow neglected to include the country’s most…

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Syrians Not Too Crazy About the Jews Right Now

DAMASCUS — After an Israeli airstrike in Syria hit a truck allegedly carrying weapons for Hezbollah earlier this week, Syrian Ambassador to Lebanon Ali Abdul Karim Ali revealed that the…

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Pope Benedict XVI To Say Goodbye to Vatican, Celibacy

VATICAN CITY — In a surprise announcement today, His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI informed a group of Cardinals that he would be resigning from the Papacy due to advancing age,…

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North Korean Video of American Bombing Declared as Greatest Achievement Ever by Kim Jong Un

PYONGYANG — Proud of their recent video depicting the destruction of an American city, North Korean leaders are now hoping to learn to make a mix tape or maybe even…

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Toxic Smog Now Leading Chinese Export

BEIJING — Surpassing electronics, clothing, home goods and nitrogen, filthy, noxious industrial fumes are now the leading product dispersed by Chinese markets and lungs. Analysts who have watched the numbers…

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