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Confused Vegans Protest German Ban on Bestiality

BERLIN — A crowd of activists numbering less than ten assembled in the heart of Berlin, Germany today to protest the German government’s recent ban on bestiality, or sexual intercourse…

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French Military Weighs New Orleans Invasion

PARIS — Sources inside the French government indicate that high-ranking members of the military are considering a plan to invade New Orleans, Louisiana, and tackle the crime problem there by…

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Morsi to Celebrate Tahrir Sqaure Protests by Cracking Down on Tahrir Square Protests

CAIRO — In honor of the two-year anniversary of popular strikes centered around Egypt’s Tahrir Sqaure, the new democratically elected government has told police to open fire on Tahrir Square…

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Monkey Fails to Escape Iran Via Rocket

TEHRAN — After a daring attempt to escape the country by rocket ship, a disappointed rhesus monkey this week returned to the Islamic Republic of Iran. The monkey reportedly constructed…

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Al Jazeera America Vows to Deliver No-Nonsense Coverage of Kardashians and Cute Kittens

DOHA, Qatar — A month after Al Jazeera announced they had acquired Current TV and would be launching Al Jazeera America, new details have emerged regarding the Qatari-based network’s plans for…

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General Regrets Telling Prince Harry Wedding Party Was Taliban Regiment

KABUL, Afghanistan — After Britain’s Prince Harry’s recent acknowledgement that he killed Taliban insurgents on his latest tour of duty in Iraq, General Sir David Richards, military chief of the…

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Americans Fear Kim Jong-un’s Plan to Attack United States, but Just Can’t Resist Those Chubby Cheeks

PYONGYANG — North Korea’s latest threats against the international community, and the United States in particular, have left many worried whether the rogue nation might actually follow through on an…

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Steve Buscemi, John Goodman Tapped to Star in Iranian Remake of Argo

TEHRAN — American actors Steve Buscemi and John Goodman have been offered prominent roles in the Iranian government’s planned remake of Ben Affleck’s Oscar-nominated Argo, which chronicles the 1979 Iranian…

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Saudi Arabia Appoints Women to Parliament, Forbids Them from Doing Anything

MEDINA, Saudi Arabia – The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia announced today that for the first time in its history, the 150-member Shura Council, an advisory board for the Saudi monarch,…

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Fidel Castro Hires PR Firm to Prove He is More Likeable than Congress

HAVANA, Cuba — Determined to become more popular than the United States Congress, former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has hired top PR firm Edelman to help show the American people…

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Mali Terrorist Franchise Loses Al-Qaeda Franchisee Status After Failing to Meet Obligations

BAMAKO, Mali — Former Al-Qaeda franchisee Al-Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb (AQIM) has been officially disenfranchised by Al-Qaeda central for failing to meet certain basic franchisee obligations. The local Saharan…

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Bashar al-Assad Celebrates 60,000 Deaths by Razing One Very Special Village

DAMASCUS — Syrian President Bashar al-Assad presided over a ceremony celebrating the deaths of 60,000 of his own people this week. “We knew we had to do something really distinctive…

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Al Jazeera Now Just Buying Anything it Can Get its Hands on

DOHA, Qatar — Reports are surfacing that Al Jazeera, the Middle East based Arab language news network, is now embarking on a campaign of ‘wanton purchasing’ in the wake of…

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Hotly Contested “Rename Palestine” Contest Produces Surprise Winner in “Palestine”

RAMALLAH, West Bank – President Mahmoud Abbas of the Palestinian Authority today announced the winning entry of the “Rename Palestine” contest which he had been running through Facebook and Twitter.…

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Allen West Questions Why Liberal Commies Want to Adopt “Mini-Putin Russian Babies”

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — During a town hall discussion about Russia’s decision to ban adoptions to the United States last week, former Congressman Allen West told the press, “Why are these…

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Icelandair Passenger Restrained with Gift Wrap After Mid-Flight Incidents

NEW YORK — A rowdy passenger was restrained mid-air Thursday night after disturbing his flight from Iceland to New York’s John F. Kennedy International Airport. Guðjón Arngrímsson, airline vice president…

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Zoophiles and Animals Unite to Defend Bestiality at a Berlin Press Conference

BERLIN — A German lawmaker declared Parliament is in the process of passing a law explicitly banning bestiality. This would make sex with animals punishable with a fine up to…

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Syrian General Defects, Cites Break Room Food

BEIRUT, Lebanon — After supervising military action against rebel citizens during the 22-month civil war in Syria, Maj. Gen. Abdul Aziz Jassem al-Shallal has defected, citing the low quality and…

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India Finds Solution to Rape Crisis, Bans Protests

NEW DELHI — Following the death of a young medical student whose brutal rape and beating has sparked nation-wide protests, government officials have decided that the best move forward is…

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Jesus a No-Show at Own Birthday Party Yet Again

JERUSALEM – For the 1,979th consecutive year, Jesus, Son of God, has failed to show up for the birthday party thrown in his honor by Christians all over the world. …

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Child in Bangladeshi Sweatshop Excited to Receive Twenty-Five Cent Holiday Bonus

DHAKA, Bangladesh – Faru Biswas, an eight-year-old employee of the Nike sweatshop in Bangladesh, was overjoyed to learn that he would receive a holiday bonus equivalent to twenty-five cents in…

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North Korea Shocked at America’s Military Spending and Poverty

PYONGYANG – During an after party celebrating North Korea’s successful missile launch, Kim Jong-un reportedly expressed strong sentiments about the American economy and military spending habits. “I am very concerned…

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John McAfee Becomes Human Anti-Virus

GUATEMALA CITY – The most unusual murder mystery this year has just gotten more peculiar. While avoiding police in Guatemala, anti-virus guru John McAfee has transformed into an actual walking,…

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Hamas Accuses Al-Qaeda of “Terror Monopoly”

GAZA CITY — In a speech on Friday, Hamas political leader Khaled Meshaal accused Al-Qaeda of stifling terror competition while continuing to expand its own power base. Meshaal argued that Al-Qaeda’s terror…

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