ST. LOUIS – When Michael Sam was picked in the seventh round of the NFL entry draft, the reaction from the majority of the American public was overwhelmingly positive. However, a new report indicates that the response may have negative side effects, as at least 62 percent of Americans who watched the draft have since “caught gay.”
In the wake of the draft pick by the St. Louis Rams, there were a number of disparaging tweets in regards to the decision to show Sam passionately kissing his boyfriend, with many people expressing concern that fans watching at home could turn gay from watching two grown men kiss on national television.
“It’s disgusting, plain and simple,” lamented Clint Elwood, a plumber from Wyoming. “First they show two gays kissing on ESPN, next thing you know everyone’s gonna think it’s OK. Pretty soon we’re gonna be expected to treat them like regular human beings. Where does it end?”
“My kids were watching that. It’s completely unacceptable. Hell, now even I’m feeling a bit gay, I think I’m gonna have to get us in to the doctor as soon as possible to make sure we didn’t catch anything.”
A recent poll seems to corroborate this concern, with many football fans now expressing record levels of sexual confusion.
“We’ve been keeping an eye on the traditional signals in the wake of the draft; Will and Grace DVD sales are up nearly 70 percent, and we’ve seen an exponential rise in the number of men purchasing plane tickets to San Francisco with the intention of shopping and riding around in the ‘cute’ streetcars,” says Donald Greene, who works as a consultant with the census bureau.
“It doesn’t stop with San Francisco, all the typical gay indicators have seen a dramatic rise. We’re talking weekend trips to Key West, Capri pants, and increased interest in interior design. This could be the start of an epidemic.”
Unsurprisingly, many conservative lawmakers have decried the kiss for eroding traditional American values.
“Football is the favorite game of this great nation,” said Ted Cruz, a presidential hopeful in 2016. “Now that it has been infiltrated by the homosexual community, it’s only a matter of time before fans stop admiring the skill of the players and start admiring Cam Newton’s exquisite buttocks. It’s a detriment to the game, our country, and Jesus.”
Senator Cruz went on to mention Cam Newton’s posterior twelve more times throughout his two-minute statement before exiting the stage while fanning himself with his notes, an action that Fox News pundits and body language experts deemed “super gay.”